Seven Morning Habits Which Are Highly Effective for This Person

Congratulations brave warrior. Your survived the Monday after Thanksgiving and if it was anything like mine that is to be commended.

The entire holiday weekend had several highlights but it was also looooooaaaaded with triggers as holidays often are for a lot of us. By Sunday night I was headed for trouble and by Monday, mid-morning I was....what they say..."a heated mess? A mess where heat is applied to it so that what once was a little messy is now very messy?" (name that line).  Look the reality is that shit happens to all of us, usually at inconvenient times. I think of overcoming PTSD as a project which takes up a lot of time and energy. But  even when you are involved with a project involving lots of past shit, shit can and does go down real time too.  It's the nature of living that we can't schedule our shit to suit us best. This is because most of the shitty life events are outside of our control.

And that can make us feel (and also be) completely out of control too. An out of control person in a crisis situation?  Well, look nobody wants to be that that person or be around that person or even know that person. You want a freaking pilot who is IN CONTROL when the plane starts having mechanical difficulties y'know? Not some freaking idiot who is shrieking about how modern planes are supposed to be able to fly themselves. It's just not an optimal thing.  I try hard not to be that person.

Yet there was no other way to describe me by Monday aternoon. I was Out Of Control and it was Not Optimal. And then as I scrubbed the walls and baseboards with soapy water, (the only productive thing I could focus on for any length of time whilst trying not to hyperventilate), it occcurred to me that because of the holiday weekend, I had completely slacked off on the careful daily habits I have cultivated over the course of my PTSD-ending Project.  And while I couldn't control the triggers and I couldn't control the shitty realities that had cropped up, I really can control whether or not I do my "Daily Disciplines" as I like to call them. And guess what else? They totally help me to become a competent pilot in the shitstorms of life.

I can also tell you that when my mornings are in control,  I feel pretty confident in my ability to keep my shit more or less together for the forseeable future..like, I feel pretty solid about the day ahead, come what may. Before I had these disciplines in place I felt really scared all the time. I couldn't count on getting through the day if it got too hard. That's not a cool way to live..and happily it's not how I live anymore. So long as I keep up with my disciplines. That's pretty powerful stuff. That's worth buckling down for a little bit isn't it?  For me it is. For me it SO IS.  So here I am to share with you what gets me and keeps me on the right track. Maybe all of these work for you too, maybe only one of them looks like something you'd like to try, or adapt to try. Disclaimer: daily disciplines are for everyone, if you have a mental health crisis in addition to this sort of thing you need to be working with care providers (which I do).

Here's what I'm going to ask you not to do. Not because it annoys me but because I want you to reframe the way you think about your life and its problems. If you are inclined to write to me and tell me how you guess you are just stuck with a sucktastic life because you can't do these things for xyz million different reasons then remember:  I'm not asking you to do these specific things.  I'm asking you to figure what disciplines you could employ to help you take control of your responses to what life hurls your way. So instead of putting energy into explaining why these things wouldn't work for you,  go ahead and put it into figuring out what will work for you! Deal? Deal! I'm bossy cos I love you. Without further ado:

Kirsty's Daily Disciplines.

1. Wake up early.
What?? No! I hate myself for typing those words. I am not an early bird. I don't understand people who love the early morning, I go to bed too late...blahblahblahblah. I need an alarm to get me up every single day. And it's dark and it's cold and I'm sleep deprived because I do like to stay up too late. And if I had to get out of bed early without some sort of accountability it's almost certain that I wouldn't. Because I am nothing against the power of a warm comforter and a soft pillow.  Which is why I have organized my life to have people expecting me and waiting for me and even paying me to get up early.  The sad truth is that successful people are almost always early risers. Dammit. Anyway, sunrises are really pretty and when my beautiful friend Stacey died in her 30's amongst
the words of advice she left were, "get up to see more sunrises". I like to think of her when I do.

2. Drink a big bottle of water first thing.  Life hack. When you are brushing your teeth every night, fill up a bottle of water, put it on your night stand. Upon awakening...drank. People. Dehydration. Is. So. Bad. It's bad for your body, it's bad for your brain, it's bad for your mood, it's bad for your looks, your weight control, it's bad for your breath it's bad. If in doubt, drink more water. FYI: Coffee is not water, milk is not water, soda is not water, juice is not water. Water is water. Herbal tea without caffeine is a closer substitute than the above things.  Water is not just good it's really critical for healthy functioning and so many things are going to start working better for you if you just buckle down and drink the right amount of water. Just Do It. Drinking room temp or warm water first thing in the morning is really good for your digestive system.  If I don't drink about 20 oz first thing, there's a good chance I'm going to keep on the path of dehydration all day which will lead to bad eating choices,  headaches, digestive issues and a super terrible mood. And that's just short term. If I do drink it first thing I just function better and I keep hydrated as the day goes on. Good things beget more good things. If you hate water  trick yourself into liking or at least in drinking it: imagine you are in the desert and the water is the oasis you have been dreaming of all this time and glug glug glug... or use a straw or buy a bottle you love (this battered Swell bottle is my constant companion, keeps things hot or cold for ages and it is really really sturdy. (I know because once I used it as a javelin off of my top balcony and it landed on my stone path and it's still being awesome). Anyway WATER. Drink more. Drink early and often. Life will get better for you. I promise.

3. Do yoga.  Yoga is a brilliant way to wake your mind and body up because it involves stretching, breath awareness and focus on the present. I can't possibly go into how many ways yoga is beneficial, you have the internet, look it up!  Literally everyone can do a little bit of  SOME KIND OF yoga every day. There are so many different poses and adaptations within those poses. I like the little ritual of playing  "Here Comes The Sun" to kick off my practice every day. I can't help but smile and feel comforted when I hear it. Even if you can only do one song's worth of yoga, you did it. It's so much better than nothing at all.  I chose this of my many yoga pics to share because I'm throwing down in jeans, with my jacket and my sunglasses off to the side on the way out of the door. Yoga doesn't require lulelemon pants and a fancy studio or a "yoga body". Just strike some poses where and whenever you can. They add up. A few sun salutations are an excellent way to get some truly beneficial stretches in and start your day off perfectly.

4. Meditate. Over the summer I practiced the very basics of basic zen meditation but with the school year being so much more busy and the weather not being as conducive and inviting to long practices outside in lotus position I turned to apps for help and variety. Head Space and Simple Habits both have very generous free trials to get you on your way (Simple Habits is currently 50% off for the yearly subscription), and they show how easy and accessible meditation really is. It takes no skill whatsoever. Exciting news! YES YOU CAN MEDITATE. Trust me, if I can do it, literally anyone can.  It's not about emptying your mind of thought and being some kind of levitating genius. Allow me to reiterate: Even I can do this. And I have the attention span of a gnat on crack ok? Meditation is not what you think it is, it really is a very simple process and what's more all the people you think are so amazing and calm and chill and accomplished probably do some form of meditation or another...try it out..it's powerful stuff, yo. I'm by no means a pro or an example to live by but when I found myself in profound distress on Monday I discovered my brain automatically switching over to some of the skills I have recently learned through meditation so...yes. It works.

5.Write in a journal. I write 3 pages in an A4 Moleskine journal with a lovely flowy pen every morning. Doesn't that sound so artistic and delicious?  Ah, I love Beautiful rituals! Someone taught me this "morning pages" concept about a year ago. And it's such a cherished, satisfying ceremony for me. But  then, I like to write, and I write quickly. If you don't you could maybe try to start with 5 things you are grateful for. Or write 2 intentions or top priorities for your day.  Since I've got 3 pages to fill, I manage to cover thoughts that are floating around, gratitude and intentions most days. But really, just the act of taking a pen and ink and putting your thoughts to page is the goal..at least for me

6. Make my bed.  I choose to ignore that study about how it's better not to make your bed,  but if you don't, there is nothing to stop you from smoothing your sheets, fluffing your pillow and pulling your covers back neatly so that you have an inviting place to return to at the end of the day. Creating order in the sacred space of  our room (I do consider our bedroom a sacred little sanctuary and I try to keep it beautiful and tidy because of that) is a very self nurturing and controlled way to start your day before you walk out into the chaos of the world. It's such a small but deliberate act of discipline which will signals to me that I am in charge of my day and that I'm capable of creating order out of chaos. It's a little thing that can make a really big
difference.





7. Have a nutritious easy to prepare/eat breakfast.  I give so much credit to my husband for preparing overnight oats for me since this spring or early summer. He's perfected the recipe for me over time and it includes so many amazingly

healthy things while still being perfectly palatable and delicious. If I skip my oats and coffeeeeeeee, things fall apart predictably around 3pm every day.  As I mentioned above, I am incredibly easily distracted, so having something pre-prepared, appetising, healthy and comforting to eat which will keep my blood sugar stable for many hours is a total game changer for me and probably for the rest of my family who don't have to deal with my irritability at 4pm when I realise I haven't eaten all day and suddenly am foraging for all the carbs, writing rants on facebook IN ALL CAPS and being super bitchy to all the people.

Well that's it for now. I actually have like 10 things but I'm out of time and the 7 seemed like a cool way to leverage off someone else's success so you get 7 ;) Tell me what your habits for being the competent pilot of your life are! I wanna knoooooowwww! Maybe I wanna copy them! Anything here you like that you think you might incorporate? Tell me that too. Tellllll meeeeeee!!!

You guys remember when I used to do Works for Me Wednesday?? Well it's Wednesday..these work for me! Ha! Nostalgia!

xox
k

Letting It All Be.

This morning I lay on the couch and I cuddled my precious little girl. Marveling at each of her delicate tiny features and listening to her carefully sounding out the words on her ipad to me and I realised. "She can read! She can really read. And she can write. She can express herself through the written word and she can read the communications of others. And that is a true miracle for any human being and it made me a little breathless. Just as it had when my mom pointed out that I could read when I sounded out "Hot Food" in the food court at Sandton City.

And then I watched as the glass window above the front door filled with a halo of white blonde hair and my youngest son, who is suddenly a man with a deep voice, hurried to pull it open and greet his oldest brother and I listened to them talk, they way men who are friends do. And I thrilled with joy when each of them came over to wish their little sister Happy Thanksgiving and listen to her with amused affection and leaned over to let me ruffle their hair which felt exactly the same as it had when they were 3,6, 10 years old.  And I just soaked in their camaraderie as they laughed and exchanged stories and jokes about Thanksgiving morning football games they had participated in years gone by and I thought to myself. This is my family.  And honestly looking at all these handsome grown men, I still feel like I'm playing a part of mom to teen-aged boys and a girl who has her boyfriend come over to help with the pies. I can't quite fathom that it's real. It feels like I dropped into a Folgers coffee Thanksgiving morning commercial to be honest.

I don't know if everyone feels like this or if it's because my life is so very white middle class TV-ad American and I'm still very South African. And I only saw scenes like these on TV rather than in real life?  Or perhaps it's just because I'm still in denial that my son is older than I was when I got married and so none of this can possibly be because I'm still 19?  I'm still 28 with 4 little children in matching outfits. Aren't I? And then my husband hands me a cup of coffee and he says, "you made all these people. Can you believe it?" And I'm like..."hey so did you and...nope."

But instead of feeling weirded out or panicked or wistful or wishful, today I allow myself to soak it in completely. To observe it and feel absolute wonderment and gratitude and joy that this happy, peaceful scene of perfect abundance is mine. Is mine! Is of my making and of my good fortune and of my love and the love of those around me. And of the love and the goodness and the hard work and the faith and the commitment and the forgiveness and kindness of everyone in my family, and everyone who had a supportive role in my family over the years through all of our good times and our many struggles and our day to day conundrums of having too many places to take too many children. Someone always stepped in.  The Universe has shown us a tremendous amount of grace and has  never failed to channel love our way and I don't know why but I do know that this love is responsible for everything so precious and perfect in my tiny sunny living room.  My tiny very humble living room with it's random assortment of donated and found furniture and the rug which is actually a big piece of fabric from a bolt I found for $5 at Goodwill and put on a rug mat I found at Big Lots and rejoiced because the widths matched EXACTLY,  this morning and I feel purely and entirely thankful.

At the beginning of this month I was committed to posting something every day. I was derailed by PTSD. I kept writing but it was for me.  And I had many other posts lined up in my drafts for today. But none of them wanted to be published. And long ago I decided that if my heart didn't beat a little bit more quickly when I considered publishing something I wrote, it was to stay in my personal folders until it did. But here's something I want you to read it's by Glennon Doyle and it was written last Thanksgiving Eve:

Here's what we do tomorrow
We stop trying to be the director of the family show
and we just become an amused audience member

we jump on stage when it's our line
we let everybody in the family play their role

we stop fixing, cajoling, judging, and lobbying

we stop hoping so hard and start accepting

we let it all be.

And here's something I want you to know. I have a beautiful, blessed life. And I am thankful for it. And a good deal of the time I also struggle with feelings of great sadness and I struggle with them so that I can enjoy the abundance that is real. And I'm getting so much better at winning those struggles but less than 48 hours ago I lay sobbing like a very little girl in my bed, under my covers. Feeling very sad and very, very, very alone and scared and lonely.   And I wished nothing more than that all the holidays would just disappear because they trigger my PTSD rather badly sometimes. But I also know that I have a family and I don't want their holiday legacy to be tainted by PTSD and so I figured out what would make this day the very easiest for me. And that meant deciding to cater in most of the Thanksgiving meal and handle only the parts that a very scared, overwhelmed little girl felt was doable.  And once I made that decision I felt more and more like a functional adult.  So if you are feeling very sad or very alone as you see pictures on social media of big happy families enjoying time together know that we all have our struggles. Everything is not as it seems.  Be very, very kind to yourself. Do whatever you need to do to stay alive and to be present and to enjoy the abundance that is in front of you. Because it is present for all of us in some form or another. Even if it is just a comfortable place to sit, a hot cup of coffee, running water and a bed where we can rest undisturbed. Shelter from storms and from vermin. Somewhere we can go to get food.  Whatever it is, recognize it and rest in that abundance and ask nothing else from yourself. And if you simply can't see any abundance because the sadness is just that overwhelming and the fear and panic feelings are just too real, withhold any judgment. Talk to yourself as if you would a small frightened precious child. Because that is who you are. And assure yourself that this too shall pass. And yes the feelings may come back over and over again but there will be breaks in the clouds and there will be sunshine and you only have to handle what is right in front of you on this day. And then find a distraction if you can. A friendly face, something to laugh at, something to do. Move your body. Get outside even if it is just to take the trash out.  See if you can help a neighbour in any small way. All these things help. They helped me a lot in the last 48 hours. We can do this. I hope you can feel my love and my warmth and my reassurance because it's meant just for you dear reader.

Much love.

K

On the road less traveled, 13 year old FBI agents and other stuff I'm happy about..

In past Novembers I made a habit of posting 5 things I was grateful for every day of the month. This always made November my favourite blogging month because it's just so much fun to reflect on everything that is awesome about your life.  

Lately, I've  tried to make a habit of doing that when I wake up. I have an active and often difficult, troubling and disturbing dream life which means that I'm not always feeling swell when I first wake up. When I remember the dreams it's easy to start ruminating and getting lost in sadness or trauma and it's an awful way to start the day. I've actively started replacing negative thoughts with thoughts of people I love, funny interactions I have had, sweet little moments between my kids, whatever comes to mind when I direct my head in that direction. The more I do it, the more natural it becomes. But it's still so nice to have it on record and to share these things from time to time.

I''m not sure if I will do the 5 things on the blog every day of this month because I have so many other things I want to post about this month. We will see. But here are 5 things I'm grateful for today:

People who love me at my worst. This has been a tough week for me and I have had some truly monstrous moments. When I am experiencing a PTSD setback and I am triggered and act awful, nobody could hate me more than I hate myself. It's a terrible feeling and could easily spiral into a cycle of self loathing and hopelessness. But I am so incredibly lucky to have true blue, ride or die people in my life who are gracious enough to ride out the storm with me even when it's blowing straight into their faces. To be loved when you are being completely crazy and unlovable is the most healing thing I know of and is something I do not take for granted.

Every time I take the road less traveled 

I saw this scene in the woods when I went running yesterday. My run finally took place after an endless internal struggle  followed by a comedy of errors, stomping around the house in trying to find all the gear I needed (it turned out I was wearing it all along) and the line from Robert Frost's poem immediately came to mind.

You guys, its so much easier not to do the hard things, not to stick with the program, to give up on on dreams because of the daily grind required to accomplish them. And every time time we do the harder thing we are taking the road less traveled and it really does make all the difference.  I'm so grateful to be in a place where my choices are once again my own. That I have the power and strength to push through the resistance is such a huge gift, so hard won through such a hard fight by so many people on my behalf.

Magical little moments when Ella brings me a book that she has written and put together regarding the joys of it being November 1st. There is just so much to love about this and it's hard to remember anything else not being completely perfect when I am present to this type of goodness.

A 13 year old son who took on a mammoth sink load of dirty dishes completely on his own initiative while I lay in bed sleeping off my body's attempt to get sick this afternoon. (I will not get sick because my 13 year old let me sleep and did the dishes and getting sick after that would be the epitome of ingratitude.  Also, he had the best Halloween costume ever as an FBI agent making the type of arrest dreams are made of.

Ongoing traditions and people to share them with. As the kids get older, the traditions evolve slightly but it's a credit to the organizers of these events and the friendships we have formed that the seniors in high school show up to hang out and hand out candy just as predictably as they did when we were pulling them door to door in wagons.  This is a beautiful thing and I am so grateful and moved that my kids have had the safe happy childhood that they have enjoyed thanks to this village.

I’m back, no fooling

I’ve written three different versions of this post since I landed in the US a little over a week ago but I’ve committed to posting something today.
I’m back and it’s both weird and surreally normal and not weird at all. In many ways everything feels EXACTLY THE SAME. Nothing has changed. Not even the weather (did you know that in Ohio the leaves are off the trees for literally half the year?! Hey Ohio, you really ought to look into fixing that.)
In some ways this sense that life stood still is welcomed (I was concerned about driving for the first time in 5 months and on the other side of the road for instance,  but it was a non issue, our friends are still awesome and embracing and have taken up their supportive roles without missing a beat ) but on the other hand it’s tough to think, “wow, we made this huge leap of faith, turned our lives utterly upside down, spent a huge amount of money doing it, had so many amazing experiences, experienced some really hard things and yet I feel exactly the same? I am completely unchanged? I got nothing out of this? I have had zero growth?” Yeah, to be honest, that’s a huge downer. Especially since I was really counting on this change of environment to propel me into some serious growth.  And it did of course. In many ways. But not the way I imagined or hoped and dreamed.  And  I’ve been sort of wondering what in the world that whole experience was all about. What I was supposed to gain from it apart from 20 or so lbs. To the naked eye all you see is we are back at square one, with a much emptier bank account and a few pretty souvenirs.
All week I’ve been in sort of daze. A mixture of denial and depression laced with great gratitude to keep me from spiraling completely. I am really grateful that we had this experience, and that we’ve had such a soft place to land at the end of it. I don’t have words enough to express my gratitude for those things and for all those people responsible for those things.
But then there’s the denial. My Dream, basically the thing I always felt deep in my soul that we were supposed to be working toward, is a bust.  All indicators point to “that ‘aint gonna happen”. We picked pretty much the worst time in South African history for our particular family to attempt a comeback. It’s working great for some. But our particular package is not a great fit right now and may never be.  That’s a hard reality to grasp and embrace. I’m getting there but I’m not really sure how to live without that hope, that tiny seed in my heart.
The depression. That one is easy for me. I’m wired for depression, it’s always just below the surface and I’m never sure how I will feel from one day to the next. Goshdammit. We all have something to deal with and that’s mine. And the weather and general drab and drear since I got back has been stoking it juuuuust fine.  I left arguably the most spectacularly beautiful and aesthetically diverse and stimulating place on the planet to come to the aesthetic equivalent of plain, cold lumpy oatmeal. Look, I love oatmeal, but I love it when it’s hot and smooth, with brown sugar and maybe some fruit on top. And right now it’s cold and it’s lumpy and it’s just gross. And the worst part is that by now it’s actually SUPPOSED to be warmer and smoother and at the very least quite a bit prettier. But it’s not. It looks worse than when I left.  So there’s that. Spring in Ohio. It will drive the most stable amongst us to drink, I tell ya. A couple of times this week, I took to my bed and thought, “seriously, life is lame. It’s so hard for so many amazingly awesome hardworking people who just deserve a damn break already. It’s just so INSANELY FREAKING UNRELENTINGLY HARD FOR SO MANY GOOD PEOPLE and that just sucks.  And yeah, it’s truly not very hard for me at all right now, and still..what am I doing? Nothing. That’s what.   I’m just a waste of space. I have had so many opportunities. And yet. Here I sit. Mired in the silliness of my tiny life. Unable to motivate. To do.  I’m not growing, or learning or seeing. Mostly, I’m not helping. I’m not easing the pain or load for anyone. It’s a travesty. Such a waste. Pity I can’t make myself do anything about that. Pity…”
So that’s where I’ve been. Feeling a huge sense of: responsibility/guilt/worthlessness/unworthiness/helplessness/potential/paralysis. Blocked and stuck. Which led to huge heaping spoons of gravelly self loathing just sprinkled on top of all of that cold lumpy oatmeal.
Today I woke up and had a reprieve. The sun was shining and the birds were singing and the calendar said April 1st. And I knew it was time to go back to church.  My very own personal soul church which is just a little patch of woods and meadow close to home. Where I run/shuffle and walk and get in touch with my divinity. Where I meet myself and my God and get messages about my purpose and my place. The last time I was there was November 1st, 2014. Just an hour before I was due to leave with my kids for the airport and hop a flight to South Africa. I was feeling a sense of thrill and disbelief that the day was finally upon us. And a sense of grief and loss for those we’d be leaving. I was crazy to go on that run but I couldn’t resist it. I was late and I needed to get home and shower and people were waiting and my bags weren’t totally packed and my house looked like the aftermath of a county fair…. so I cranked up my music and my pace and decided to take a short cut across the bridge.
I hit the bridge with a leaping confident stride, not even for a second imagining that there was black ice glazing it. I landed hard. It took my breath away. Pain shot through my body. After the initial moment of shock my instinct was to laugh. I couldn’t believe it.  I had probably broken my wrist and done something really bad to my back and ankle, 45 minutes before I was supposed to leave with 3 children and 24 hours of international travel. Absolutely freaking typical. I took a picture of the bridge as I sat on my bruised bum. Here it is:

In time I figured out that my assessment had been typically overly dramatic, that I in fact, had broken nothing. I slathered Deep Blue over everything and was good as new, I made that flight and had an amazing 5 months.  Painful incident aside, I’ve looked at that picture several times since,  just to feel that sense of thrill again. That sense of being on the brink of fulfilling some lifelong unknown purpose. That feeling of being on the brink of accomplishing what I had set out to do. Of finally doing what I was supposed to do with my life. It’s a wonderful feeling and I’m blessed to have experienced it. And yes, the bridge incident is pretty much an analogy for what happened. We did take a leap into the unknown and end up feeling some major pain when things didn’t turn out how we thought they would, but it was worth it.  Problem is, now I’m hooked.  I’ve felt that Feeling but I haven’t resolved it. The journey is not over.  It’s only just…omg somebody stop me before I break into the Carpenters.  All this to say, I need to Do Something. I need to do more with my life than I’ve been doing.
Here are some of the things I learned and did in South Africa:
We have it ridiculously easy. Even those of us who struggle financially can’t fathom how much better off we are than so many others. 
We have so many  opportunities to help other people. And so much potential to do good, to make an amazing impact on people’s lives.
I have to make sense of the incredible opportunities I have been given. I have to make them count. I have to make the #SAyeradventure into something more than some beautiful pictures and great memories. We felt a clear call to go to South Africa. We knew it was the right thing to do.  It was supposed to be life changing. I need to allow it to be. I can’t allow myself to go back to business as usual.
I love hearing stories about people’s lives. I’m generally an introvert but when I was in South Africa I forced myself to ask the people I interacted with about their lives. I wanted to hear as many stories as I could while I was there. I can’t think of a time when I wasn’t impressed, awed, humbled by the creativity, ingenuity and resilience I heard about.
So I have to wrap this up or I’ll never get it posted. Here’s what I’m thinking. I need your help m’peeps.  I need ideas. Big ideas or even small ideas that we can build on.  I’ve got to do some Wonderful Things. And I’ll probably need your help to do them. Here’s all I’ve got so far. It needs to involve helping people, hearing and maybe telling people’s stories of resilience, ingenuity and creativity.  Opening doors for people to use that resilience, ingenuity and creativity to reach their potential and fulfill their dreams. It doesn’t have to be one huge grandiose project. It can be little daily changes that add up to a big thing or lots of little things or what have you. I’m not looking to be Oprah here, but I do want to use my life better.
Give me your best stuff. Or your somewhat mediocre, “here’s all I could come up with because it’s Wednesday and Spring just won’t friggin come” stuff.  There are no dumb ideas. Actually who are we kidding, there  clearly are some dumb ideas, but usually only when people are trying to be dumb. If you are genuine and well meaning I want to hear your ideas, I’m fairly certain they won’t be dumb. Because I’ve had kids forever now, and I can’t imagine functioning any other way, I will bribe you incentivize this thing. You’ve got ‘til tax day to give me your best stuff. That’s 15 days. I’ll pick my favourite (probably with the help of a massive committee) and I’ll reward you with something absolutely splendid and handmade from South Africa. I’m not sure what yet but I’ll make sure it’s awesome. A one of a kind piece of art from a one of a kind place.
So give me what you’ve got. Wherever you are in the world. I want All of the Ideas from All of the People. Not just one, you can throw 100’s of them at me. This is officially a brainstorming session declared open. Post what you have in the comments, or if you’re not into that, email me: kirsty.sayer@gmail.com.  Message me on facebook or instagram or whatever.  If you want to be involved, tell me. Even if you don’t quite know how or to what extent.  This thing is wide open right now.  The bridge is waiting.

Tomorrow is my birthday (and I’m shamelessly asking for gifts again).…

 

You guys.  I totes haven’t forgotten you. I’ve got the lurgy I have* (*to be spoken in a frail and plaintive cockney accent)  and I’ve been out for the count. Haaaate it. Hate! It’s been a total waste because I have been in such a motivated and productive mood of late,  rather than my usual state of inertia and laziness and so I keep hauling out of bed with a head and heart full of gleeful organizational intentions, only to be forced to take to my bed mere minutes later, like a delicate Victorian flower wearing a corset that is too tight, rather than a hardy South African Ohioan transplant in a pair of too big pajama pants.  So somewhat trying yet a great reminder of how good I generally have it.  I am so grateful for my overall health. So very very grateful.

Also this is impeccably timed.  I have fallen ill right in time for Sayer Sick Week. Much like Shark Week. Sayer Sick Week is an epic, thrilling, and sometimes gory event which falls over the first week of February every year and is a much cherished and embraced family tradition.

Not to be outdone by the kids who tend to wake me up on my birthday morning by puking in my bed,  I am proud to say that I believe I have contracted the F-word (as in flu). Sounds dire,  but fortunately due to my new-found freakish organization, I came upon my essential oils and made up a bunch of “flu bombs” just as I started feeling the Flu-ish Feelings and really and truly those things are the bomb!  I’m really so very much less badly off than I deserve to be. (I’ve also been rubbing them onto the soles of Ella’s feet since she showed signs of following me down that shady sicky path and what do you know…she stopped that nonsense, right in it’s tracks.  I am quite mesmerized. Who knew?) ANYWAY…where was I? Holy mother of a tangential ADD chicken…

Oh yeah..so my birthday.  So remember how I used to get all maudlin about it because it was All About Me and never lived up to my hazy undefined expectations and all that focusing on myself means I’d get even more self-absorbed and bratty than I usually am (which is..yikes, really really self-absorbed and bratty)  and the general effect was worldwide misery. And by world-wide, I mean misery for anyone unlucky enough to live with me, not least of all, myself.

And remember how a few years ago I decided that from now on I was going to make my bday about me thinking about other people instead, and doing nice things for them. And remember how since I hate to do stuff alone, I got you guys involved in the whole thing and you were total rockstars about it and ever since then my bday has been tons of fun and happy and delightful?  You don’t remember that? Never mind, that’s ok. 

So it’s come around again, as these things do and I’ve been lying in bed all day thinking, “nooooo I caaaaaan’t do that tomorrow for alas I am tooooo sick, I will have to let it go this year and just be selfish and miserable”. But then it occurred to me that a) I might feel much better tomorrow b) if I’m not I can still do lots of nice things from my bed. Hello, internet!  So I’m doing it, I am* (*to be spoken in a determined and confident cockney accent).

I’m 38 tomorrow. I like 8 it’s a nice number, actually it’s my lucky number so I’m down with it. It’s going to be a good year. Hence, I would like to perform at least 38 acts of kindness or positivity or service or sparkly glittery unicorn fairy dust or whatever you want to call it.

I want to consciously do 38 things to make the world a tiny bit better tomorrow.  I’m going to do my darndest to get them all done myself but as always I would love to invite you guys to join, because.. the more the merrier, right? And last year..you guys BLEW ME AWAY.  You did SO MANY nice, inspiring, lovely,lovely things and by the end of the day I was crying happy tears.  It was probably the happiest bday of my life.

Being kind is its own reward of course, but as a little added incentive for your enthusiasm and participation, I will once again send a package of a few of my favourite things (especially tailored toward the winner) to a randomly selected participant. And trust me, I’m really quite good at making up little gift packages tailored toward the winner. You’ll like it. Now. All you have to do is post under this blog post tomorrow (or on facebook or instagram or heaven forbid, twitter) telling me what you did and you’ll be entered in the drawing. Do one thing or 40 things. I won’t stop you. It will be fun.  And maybe funny and it will make your day sunny. Truly. (Totally put in “funny” so that I could put “sunny” what with the deep freeze most of us are living in here).

Speaking of random drawings. Totes haven’t forgot about this one. I will announce the winner later this evening. I’m really really sorry about the delay.  Along with the lurgy it’s been a true challenge to get computer time (yep still sans computer)…silver lining to my inefficiency? This gives you one last shot to go ahead and enter. Hurry! Go!

See you tomorrow! I’m so excited!

For laughter and Abundance day 26 & 27

Day 26: For funny kids. I always dreamed of laughing with my future kids the way me and my sibs laughed with my mom, and that dream has come true. There’s no better feeling than laughing with your family. More about that in this post. (which includes some photos which will probably make you laugh too).

Day 27: For Abundance. With a capital “A”. So much of my speech and thoughts come from a place of scarcity. “I don’t have enough space”, “I don’t have enough money” “I don’t have enough energy” “I don’t have enough time” “I don’t have enough sanity”, “I don’t have any family living on this continent”,  “I don’t have enough hair”.
This is a great pity because I really am blessed with extraordinary abundance and I would be so much more content if my focus lingered on that rather than constantly chronicling what I feel I lack.
I don’t have “enough” space because my warm and cozy  home is overflowing with beautiful, happy, healthy, kind children, warm clothes to wear, books to read, toys to play with, beautiful things to look at, comfortable furniture to rest on and more than enough food to eat.   Regarding my lack of “enough” money, my husband has a stable job in his field, a great education and a stellar work ethic. We are blessed with so many generous people in our lives.  A kind sister who bailed us out of an unforeseen and potentially devastating crisis this year without a hint of judgment, only compassion, who together with other generous family members helped to buy the exorbitant plane ticket on short notice so that Aaron could fly home to be at his beloved dad’s funeral. Friends who are constantly passing along useful items so we don’t have to buy them, who come up with creative ways to allow us to earn extra money or to barter for opportunities for our children to do extra-curricular activities. I have a handful of jobs, some of which are extremely fulfilling to me, which allow me to make some extra cash while still enjoying the incredible blessing of being a stay at home mom.
My deficits in sanity, energy and time are made up by  an amazingly willing, capable, kind and patient husband, by long-suffering and thoughtful friends who drive my children hither and yon, often without reciprocation, who offer childcare for Ella when they know I am stressed, even though they may be equally stressed, by family and friends both near and far who are always available with a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, an endless supply of love, counsel, comic relief, prayers, advice and encouragement.  I am blessed with good healthcare and insurance to preserve and protect my health, both physical and mental, and that of my family. I have access to resources, medication and education to help me when I am dealing with depression and anxiety.
I have an ever increasing myriad of ways to stay in contact with my far-flung loved ones, and angels who step in as family in their stead. 
And well…who needs good hair, right? I have product and hats are totally making a comeback.
I am indeed abundantly blessed in all things and for that today, I am truly, truly Thankful.

November Gratitude…the first 25 days

(This is hanging on the wall in our living room this month. I am grateful to the internet for providing things to hang on my wall.)

First off all, can I please get some props for coming through with the posts I promised? Not all of them yet, yes I know, but give me time, I’m on track! I even have another one ready to roll after this one! Why, thank you! I appreciate your unsolicited encouragement and praise!

Anyway as mentioned, I read this article, I’m going to refrain from saying “this whiny article” because that’s unkind and judgmental and it’s possible I misinterpreted it, but when someone is complaining that we “Broke Thanksgiving” by virtue of making and sharing lists of things we are grateful for, because they feel that Thanksgiving really should be about the beauty of dysfunction (and they weren’t even being ironic!) I feel that it might warrant the dreaded “W” adjective. But that’s just me and what do I know. (Actually when it comes to whining, a LOT. So basically I am a pro, and I deem it so). Moving along.

I have made daily gratitude lists in November on my blog for several years now. I got the idea from my fabulous friend Julie (you should be reading her blog),  back before it became A Thing, (but I’m not going to whine about it becoming A Thing because I think it’s a wonderful Thing to catch on.) And I’m fairly sure that it is no coincidence that since I started this practice, I have felt a lot happier and more content with my life, for at least the month of November. It’s scientifically proven that expressing your blessings makes you happier (you should watch that by the way, when you are done here), and the more miserable you are, the more it helps. I would wholeheartedly testify to that.

This year November started out hectic, and chaotic and crazy (in the literal sense. Meaning, I was crazy. In the literal sense). And I seriously considered blowing off the tradition because I was not feeling like I could possibly take on one more thing and I was also feeling particularly ungrateful (on account of the craziness).  And then in a moment of lucidity I realized that this was precisely why I had to make a special point of doing this, (and that was before I saw that there was Science to back up that realization!) Even though I scaled back by moving the practice to Instagram, and paring it down to just one grateful thing a day, it was better than nothing. And that is what I have done.

Truly, I have felt progressively better for each day that I did it. I think you can actually sense that when you read the captions as the picture progress. (You can  access my instagram account and see the last few photos on my feed if you look in my sidebar over there----------> )But I really wanted to have it on my blog too. Because I’m like that. As you know.  So now that I have a moment to spare, I thought I’d bring the gratitude posts home.  Hopefully I can update daily with gratitude posts from now until the end of the month. Apologies, I took a  lot of screen shots so I wouldn’t have to wade around trying to find the photos again, so forgive that the colours are weird. They are all much prettier in instagram. You should go there.

Day 1: Grateful more than I can say that my children have a dad whom they trust and adore with all their hearts. He is their safe place.

Day 2: For the sweet tenderness I observe between my children. Not always but very often. They love and like each other and have each other’s backs.

Day 3: For this sweet, smart, delightful, happy boy. I love him so! We went on a beautiful long walk together today and I loved every moment of his cheerful company. We gathered quite an impressive leaf collection too.

Day 4: For beautiful parks and woods in my town.  Just a couple minutes from home can put me in a place where I can feel the magic, peace and restorative sense of being one with nature.

Day 5: For this beautiful boy, inside and out, my angel Gabriel-aptly named.

Day 6: (Gracie and Ella meeting Robin Press Glasser illustrator of the Fancy Nancy series (and illustrator of the year, 2013! at our local library).  We are so thankful to have such an amazing public library in our town!

Day 7:For this cool, hardworking, driven, smart, low maintenance, funny, handsome, good kid. I’m so glad he is mine.

Day 7: For the resilience, joy, love and forgiveness of kids, even when their mom is  a disaster.

Day 8: For constant reminders of a higher power.

Day 9: For unexpected blessings on bleak days.

Day 10: For beautiful people who stand strong and supportive when I fall apart.

Day 11: For the beauty, interest, variety and education I have gained from the diverse experiences, people and places I have been blessed to have known.

Day 12: For friends with impeccable timing bringing care packages which can feel like lifelines to a drowning student.

Day 13: For my sisters and brothers and my parents. My greatest sadness is that I live so far away from my family and we are not in as regular contact as I would like. But when I am in crisis, they are there for me with unconditional love and support. They know me better than I know myself and are some of the wisest, kindest, most generous, good, intelligent, interesting, sincere and funny people I know! Thanks mom and dad, Shona, Seth, Thalia and Luke! I love you!

Day 14: For the fact that when we run out of food, getting more is just a matter of going to the nearest grocery store. Shopping may seem like a drag, but there was a time when we did not have that luxury, and many don’t. I try not to let it ever become something that I take for granted.  Oh and I’m extra grateful for Goodwill where you can pick up miniature shopping carts for a buck and for cute little bums in tights.

Day 15: For my awesome surrogate mom Joan who came by today with decadent baked goods, her legendary chex mix (perfect study food) and a listening ear.

Day 16: For wool socks. Preferably ski socks. Do not let the unsexy deter you. Do not attempt winter without them. Wear at all times. They are life-changing.

Day 17: For days which feel and smell like Spring in November. For friends to shelter and feed us in a storm, for not being sucked up in a tornado, for people who support me in my studies and for finally submitting that final assignment, the first final assignment of my grad school career, at 1:30am.

Day 18: For  a warm and cozy little house, filled with warm and cozy little people.

Day 19: For naptime. Not just because I get a break from being a mommy slave for a bit. But because  when I lie down next to her to help her to go to sleep, I have the chance to breathe and pray and meditate in the middle of the day. I relax as I feel her warm little body becoming heavy and limp next to mine. My heart rate slows down and my breathing becomes even and deep as I listen to her breathing becoming slow and breathy. Then I get to gaze at her serene, angelic face as she dreams her sweet little dreams.  It is a sublime experience in the middle of an ordinary afternoon and I cherish it every time.

Day 20:  To have survived my first quarter of graduate school (and to all the people who made it possible).

Day 21: This was a throwback Thursday picture of Caroline at her 6th (ballerina) birthday party. So cute! I am grateful for this beautiful, kind, funny, smart, talented daughter of mine. She is a wonderful young lady and I am so proud of her!

Day 22 (on instagram this is a video of us raucously caroling on a carriage ride but I couldn’t get it to transfer over here so please enjoy this picture of Ella’s wandering awe as the town tree was lit) The caption that went with the video was: For friends to carry out ridiculous traditions with. Like our yearly raucous caroling on the carriage ride at the down town tree lighting (much to the chagrin/bewilderment/amusement) of our fellow passengers. Traditions are awesome. Even when they are ridiculous and freezing and half of the kids are hating on them. #wewillmakehappymemoriesdammit

Day 23: For the charms of small mid-western towns. With traditions like tree lightings and holiday parades. The holiday parade was actually our first experience in this community, on this very day, November 23, 2003.  We were so impressed and our 4 little ones were so delighted with the huge candy haul. Today, we attended our 10th consecutive BG Holiday Parade, marking a very quick decade of living in this small Midwestern town. Our little ones are bigger now. They march in the parade. But we got a second shot at the magic and awe (something else I am grateful for!) Our little Ella really “got” it this year and was just as delighted by the candy piled high on her stroller tray (and even a teddy bear!) I complain bitterly about the winters here and whine that it is not the most exciting place to live, but we have been very blessed to have raised our children in what is as close to a Norman Rockwellesque community  as it gets these days. This is a great little town and if we ever do leave (as I swore we would that first winter-before the next one!) , I will miss these perfect small town moments very much indeed.

Day 24: For my faith and an infinitely kind, loving and patient Father in Heaven who sends me so many opportunities to allow it to grow. I often rebelliously refuse those gifts, but He never gives up on me. I have no words to adequately express my gratitude for that.

Day 25: For dear friends, like Muss Cindi here, and so many other angels who have loved my children and provided them (and Aaron and I) with the sense of having extended family close by. Such a great blessing and comfort to me.

An afternoon at the apple orchard….2013 Edition

What better way to celebrate the glorious first day of Autumn than with a report on our trip to the apple orchard yesterday. I look so forward to it every year. We have so much fun. I’m not sure why. You are picking apples, and putting them in a bag. It’s a pretty simple activity but these things seem to bring out the best in my kids.
The dynamics are different than when we are just hanging out at home. Simple is good. I take so many pictures and I cherish each one of them. Especially from occasions like these. Such occasions are not easily come by, sadly. Our schedules are crazy. At this time of  year, beyond crazy. Sacrifices are made to ensure that these rare few hours are set apart as sacred family time. Sometimes I feel draconian when I insist that we do these things, even if it means saying no to other things that seem worthwhile. I examine my motives, I wonder if I’m forcing something for my own satisfaction, for my own needs, or truly and genuinely for the good of the family, I vacillate over whether it would be better for sanity and unity to just let everyone do their own thing and relegate these traditions to rosy days gone by. The day of these events follows a predictable course. It is stressful to squeeze it in. Not everyone is keen. Often nobod is keen. We are often snarling at each other by the time we are finally en route to a lovely family bonding ritual, and I am squirming at how ridiculous and hypocritical it seems. And then we get there..

And I wonder how I could have ever wondered.

(Apparently this was the most efficient method of getting the apples from the tree into the bag..via 4 sets of hands…and oops, the ground. )

And Ella, well it’s pretty much the best day of her life. When I look at these photos, I feel sad that people still take their kids to photo studios at the mall and have them pose with random props, when all they have to do is take a few snapshots at an apple orchard.   You will see their natural expressions in glorious natural light, the little expressions you love, pure joy, the way they hold an apple, their sweet little gait captured mid-stride. Expressions of intensity and delight and concentration and dreaminess.   I get all my best, most timeless and beloved photos of my children, the ones which really capture the essence of who they are at that stage in their life, when I just let them be. When they are just outside, having fun.. being themselves.  I mean really. Could I have orchestrated cuter more charming poses if I’d tried all day? No. I could not.


These two make me melt. The sweet tenderness with which he handles and talks to her is just so endearing to me. He always has enough time and a sweet voice for her.  She really does bring out the best in all of the kids but her relationship with Benj pulls my heartstrings in a very particular way. Maybe because I know that their days like this together are numbered, maybe because one doesn’t often see the softest side of a fifteen year old boy unless there is an adorable baby sister around. Either way..it’s so special to me.

Benj hamming it up…and looking handsome.

My kids, every one of them can never get enough of watching leaves float down a river. I will have you know that I almost fell a really long way into said river getting this yucky  quality picture, (and I did narrowly escape breaking a leg after a fall into a large hole. It wasn’t embarrassing at all.) But it was worth it. Over the years I have shots of  them all gazing at this very same river, it never gets old for them. Another one of the simple things that brings them together. I don’t want to forget.

I’d say Ella spends about 70% of her life giggling and running unsteadily as someone chases her. It’s not a bad life. She seems to be a fan.

Aaron and I conspired to create the cheesiest most embarrassing photo op possible here. I think we did a darn fine job of it. By the way, we came up with the tree/heart/finger thing as we stood there just before Gracie snapped the shot. In lieu of a tree carving. (We didn’t feel like the orchard would appreciate that.) I BET someone has actually done this in total seriousness though. First person to find an example of it on pinterest wins a prize.

We were very proud of ourselves..

Ok this makes me laugh so much. First of all,  I must say (although I don’t blame you if you don’t believe me)… although I totally wanted this picture this year, I actually did not bribe or cajole anyone to participate. I figured I had enjoyed a good run and the joke was not even that relevant anymore. Then Aaron said, “ok everyone pose for the Desperate Housekids picture” and resignedly… they did! I guess I really have broken them. I did not want to push my luck by instructing them to assume more convincing and less chagrined poses…so I took what I could get. But looking at the photos I am so struck by the increasing desperation/detachment in the faces as they age. Aptly captioned. Pretty sure 2013 marks the series finale

This child is delicious.

The gusto with which she ate these apples…I cannot describe the joy it was to behold. I can just hear that crisp crrrunch..

The moment of savouring..

The juice dripping down her little chin. I don’t think I have ever seen her eat a “chokit bar” with that much satisfaction. It was good for the soul to watch.

Here mommy…try this..it is so yummy!
And oh..my sweet little boyfriend…

Seriously can you even handle how dreamy he is?

Mr. Suave just chilling…oh..he makes me laugh.

And then we have Gabe ah… Gabe. He alternated between being goofy and creepily goofy all afternoon. Whenever he saw a photo being taken he attempted to photo bomb it and when he saw the camera directed at him he would pull a face like this one. I’m not sure why this picture came out so..high def but it makes it look extra freaky so…whatevs.

So when I was editing photos last night I saw this and was like..oh great, one normal shot of Gabe! But when I enlarged it, I realized that it also looked slightly manic and weird. I thought maybe it was just my imagination but then Aaron made the same comment. I finally figured out what it is..his one eye..he managed to make it slightly squint and with that gleam and that huge grin…the whole effect is just disconcerting. I still think I am going to print it out for the wall though. Because I laugh out loud every time I see it and I can hear Gabe’s totally infectious giggle. Even creepily manic, one cannot deny that this kid inside and out..is just so ridiculously cute.
My beautiful golden glowing Gracie. The mother daughter relationship is so much more complicated than with sons. It can be tempestuous. But there’s something about a daughter. . The same connection that allows you to push each other’s buttons juuuust right, also means that she knows what you need,  she senses and identifies with the deepest yearnings of your soul, and if you are blessed you will have a daughter who will fulfill those yearnings. She cleaned the bathroom for me today you know…like really, really, really thoroughly. When I went in there I was literally stunned by the shiny surfaces and lack of clutter. I stood there dazed and disorientated by the sparkle for a moment. Everyone should have a daughter like Gracie. She’s a good one. (And she has a really pretty profile.)

This series of photos is so precious to me, so cute and funny and the hazy lighting  makes me swoon. The three youngers were hanging out talking in this box and Gabe was doing his creepy photobombing thing-(you can see his eyes through the slats of the box). When Ella realized what he was up to..she left the box to evict him from the area. Most officiously.

Efficient and outraged at the intrusion of this peeping Tom

I say young man! Just what do you think you are doing?

There now. I don’t think we’ll be having any more trouble with the likes of him.

Gabe the Creeper. Foiled again. The facial expressions of each of them in this shot…classic. Ah the stories that pictures tell. I would have already forgotten that little moment. This is why I don’t regret a single of the millions of picture I have taken. I have a terrible memory and now this one is safe forever. Take more pictures, people. You won’t regret it.

Benj found a variety of ways to entertain himself at the orchard..some of them more organic than others..


Have we mentioned Ella? Any photos of her yet? What a delight she is to me. I love this picture. Aaron snapped it and the random halo-rainbow thing seems so appropriate. It was of those brief, dreamy little moments when everything is in soft focus and perfectly idyllic.

These are the moments that restore and sustain us between the eating strikes and the tantrums over not wearing our pajamas every second of every day, and the sleep deprivation. The sore hips from endless carrying and the ever delightful arched-back-carseat maneuver.
Truly, there is nothing like the love and trust of a very little person. It is privilege and and honour to be so unconditionally adored, and so easy to forget it if we don’t take time out of the trenches and just enjoy the sublime every so often. She is two and a half years old exactly today. Forever and a blink.

Oh look…Gabe is being creepy again. Imagine that.

The mall isn’t going to get this incredulous expression. It makes me laugh. And her sweet innocent curiosity, the way she is so completely enchanted and engaged with whatever she is doing..

Living her life with arms wide open…she loves the feeling of a breeze and often just puts her arms out to embrace it. Her little hand on her daddy’s leg…

The intensity of their expressions….pullllllllll….I love it.

Finny and Gracie’s friendship. I remember being like this with my little brother, Seth. A beautiful supportive uncompetitive relationship. It makes me so happy that they have each other. This picture makes my heart swell and ache simultaneously. I wish I lived closer to my siblings…sniff. I forbid my children from ever living more than an hour away from each other. I forbid it, I say!

Benj teaching Finny some sort of secret handshake, high fiving hybrid thingie..


Gabe sporting a non-psychotic expression. He really is a lovely child.


This photo…I want to marry it.


Who could ask for anything more? I am grateful.

To see previous forays to the apple orchard click here 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009