In preparation for all this glamorous jet setting, It has been an insane week. I have slept very little (but that's not new) and worked very much. I have been determined to finish up my last class (which is designed to be completed in 5 weeks at a very accelerated rate)..in one week. Good times!
I have also been doing about a milliongajillion hours of work for the Young Women so that I can feel as if life will go on without me when I am in gay Paris and sunny SA. (Not that I'm neurotic or a control freak or anything...) I would say that I have done probably the amount of work for YW that one would generally do in 6 months...in one week. Jolly good times! My counselor and secretary have been loving it too.
I asked Aaron this evening if he thought I enjoyed stress. I have been pondering this today as I have a casual friend who I see at the gym quite regularly and every time she sees me lately her eyes get all big and she says, "Oh Kirsty you are thinner. Are you still so busy?" And every time I say, "..umm..well yes I guess I am". (Although generally I am not thinner every time she sees me). Then she will ask me a little about what is keeping me so busy and when I reply her eyes get even wider and in all sincerity she says, "you are crazy". And I am starting to wonder if maybe I am. I look at other people's lives and they seem quite calm. I think I do try to fit unrealistic amounts of activity into a given day. I believe that this is a genetic problem. My mom is a carrier and a sufferer of this condition and my sister makes me look like a sloth.
I think the problem extends to my perception of time. I perceive any day as very elastic, time-wise. I think I subconsciously expect that the time will expand to fit the tasks available rather then the other way around. It generally turns out that it does, more or less, in that all the big jobs get done, you know the kind of things you write in your planner-those are generally checked off, but when people say to me, "I have no idea how you get it all done" the truth really, is that I don't.
My house is a mess. I know I have been doing laundry because we continue to have clean underwear, although I have no recollection of actually doing laundry (I also often have no recollection of driving home when I pull up outside my house).but it is by no means anywhere near up to date. My house is never all clean, all at the same time. And the thing is. that for the last month or so I absolutely do not care about this in the least little bit. Ok well maybe I do a little bit but not nearly as much as usual. My Christmas tree is still up-as are all the decorations. It is quite scandalous. Tomorrow is the 12th. It will come down tomorrow. It must. Anything past the 12th and I may as well leave the lights up until next year and we don't do that in our family
I think I also perceive my energy to be limitless. And I must say, I do seem to require less sleep then most people I know, however a reality check always arrives at some point. Yesterday as I was running I was wondering why it was soooo haaaaaaard. Then today again, my run was like moving through molasses, and when I got done I had the overwhelming urge to lie on a weight bench and take a nap. When I analyzed this urge I realized that I have not slept more then 4 or so hours for the last week. And even then, it was not good quality sleep.
Today after dropping Gracie off at school Finny and I were both melting down. I had planned to take him to do something fun as he only goes back to school on Monday and has not been enjoying his time sans siblings but on the way home, something in me snapped. Last night I read about the psychological/biological drives that kick in when we are lacking in something essential like food or sleep and today I experienced the practical. I informed Finny that plans had changed and we were going home and mommy was going to have a rest. This had definitely not been in my plan, even 5 minutes before, but suddenly I did not really care about my plan. I had hit the wall. Hard. I knew that Finny was in need of crashing too (as he was responsible for my 4 hours of sleep lacking in quality) so I did not feel too guilty when I flopped down on the bed, invited him to cuddle down next to me, and turned on the Disney channel. At one point he asked for a banana and I told him to go and get one. He informed me that he was just a little guy and could not get a banana himself. I told him that happily, he could, as the bananas remained at floor level since I had also not managed to put away the groceries (and this is one domestic chore that I never procrastinate under normal circumstances). He continued to object vigorously. I tried to motivate by mumbling to him that he could do it if only he believed in himself-"be like Kim Possible!" I urged with as much enthusiasm as one can muster as one drifts into the second stage of sleep. Somewhere in the background of my mind I heard him wailing...then the wailing got fainter, yet it continued, I could not even feel emotion about this wailing, it was totally out of my control it seemed. Then the wailing noise swelled again as Finny ascended the stairs, and climbed onto the bed next to me, face streaming with tears, holding a... banana! Triumphant! At this point I roused myself sufficiently to praise him and dub him Finn Possible. He found this very amusing and chuckled through his tears, inhaled the banana and passed out next to me. And there we both lay until the big kids arrrived home from school.
No matter how driven we may be, or how busy or how determined we are that we are too busy (or too big) to take naps...sometimes a girl (and a boy) just needs a nap. And when a girl gets gets to nap next to a soft sweet smelling warm almost-baby boy, a nap is nothing less then...delicious.
So in answer to my original question, as Aaron said, I don't think I like stress. I just like to do everything that I would like to do. And then I can't help but do it alllll the way. But it's not like I go after stress for the thrill of it.
In fact this is why I am stressing so hard right now so that I can get it all done by the end of this weekend and enjoy a stress free week with my family before I leave. (As if!-but you've got to have dreams)
I do concede that I love to be busy and I am so grateful for all the things in my life that give me the opportunity to be. Being busy makes me feel alive and when I am so busy that I feel a bit dead..well then that mid-day nap is just that much more yummy.
Maybe I should look into that being busy thingy.
That nap sounds so dreamy. And so does the fact that you have three kids that can walk themselves home from school so you don't have to worry about waking yourself up from said nap.
Posted by: Jen | January 12, 2008 at 03:07 PM