Dear Princess Kate..(mother of the future King)

First of all.  I’m really sorry that you had to get out of bed mere hours after pushing an 8lb6oz human being out of your body. I’m even more sorry that you had to take time away from trying to figure out breastfeeding, processing what just happened to you, gazing at and obsessively smelling, kissing and cuddling your new baby, trying to grab a few minutes of sleep here and there, icing your swollen parts, refueling your body that just experienced the ultimate marathon, or just hanging out with your husband and your mom.... in order to get up,  get showered, get your hair and makeup professionally done and then walk outside, down a flight of stairs (in heels) and stand in the heat in front of a bunch of  very loud and no doubt germy strangers, smiling radiantly all the while, in order to be scrutinized and photographed thousands of times, all whilst holding your precious little bundle in your arms.

That seems like the most unprincess-like thing a person could possibly be doing one day postpartum.
Between you and I , Kate,  I think the whole royal thing is rather silly. I think it’s a tad crazy that one family gets heaps of privilege and cash just for being born into the right “line” and doing very little else, but it seems to make a lot of people happy and it’s good for tourism, so whatevs.   I’d say that just for what you had to go through 1 day post partum, you deserve any of the other “princess perks” you will get for the rest of your life.

But then again, Kate, waiiiiit…what the heck am I thinking?!  You are a royal now. So it’s just natural that we expect more from you. You exist to look pretty and polished and perpetually picture perfect. Anything less just won’t do. Plus you probably didn’t even want to be lying around in private recovering and being with your new little family! I bet you were just itching to get back to waving and smiling and polishing your tiara and stuff.

I’ve had 5 babies so I know that after you have one you are sore in places you did not even know existed. I always had difficulty standing upright for a couple of days after giving birth because it felt hard to breathe when I did. It was pretty disconcerting but my Dr. told me this was from all the crazy muscle strain that comes about from the pushing.  I’m sure that wasn’t the case for you though. I bet your baby just came trotting out in a little glass carriage with no more than a discreet little throat clearing on your part.

I also felt really dizzy, as us commoners do after we give birth. I remember that I would stagger a couple of steps at the most with someone close by to catch me if I fell for at least a couple of days.  I never tried to walk around with the baby for the first 24 hours because I felt so shaky. The last time I didn’t even feel up to standing up to take a shower for at least a day and a half.   I’m told that’s normal after you have just had a human being exit your body.   In fact when I left the hospital I was always wheeled out in a wheelchair!
But I’m sure you weren’t in the least bit dizzy, because that sort of thing just doesn’t to happen to royals. Even if they aren’t royal by birth. It just doesn’t. That’s probably why just hours after giving birth, you were given a brand new, fragile baby to carry in your arms, as you walked down a flight of stairs in your heels… into the bright sunlight with the entire world watching. Smile!

Let’s talk about the hormones for a moment. For commoners, the many, many powerful hormones that kept your body from kicking out the foreign body (literally) for nine months start crashing like the stock market in 2008 right around a day after you give birth. This makes you prone to tears, feeling overstimulated, overwhelmed and generally unstable. Which is totally fine since nobody but your nearest and dearest are around and they totally sympathize and get it.  Unless you’re you, Kate. Then under no circumstances would there be any reason for you to look anything but absolutely happy, content, calm, rested, beautiful and radiant in the face of an unbelievable amount of stimulus and pressure…because after all..you just gave birth to the future KING and so this hormone nonsense does not apply to you or your royal body.

Thankfully you  obviously stayed extremely fit, healthy and athletic throughout your pregnancy. I mean you are a princess-so….DUH.  Since you clearly didn’t put on an excess of weight during your pregnancy, we expect you to look exactly the way you looked prior to getting pregnant by 24 hours after giving birth. 
Never mind that whole commoner thing where you have gallons of extra water and blood and other….stuff…that tends to accumulate over the 9 months of making a human being. It definitely won’t apply to you.   Nor should the fact that when you are one day post partum your uterus is still swollen to the size of someone who is 20 weeks pregnant be an issue.  No doubt your uterus will spring back to it’s original size within seconds. If you have something as icky as a uterus at all. We certainly don’t expect to see any sign of all that nonsense a whole day after you have given birth! You are a princess after all. Take care of that.

(FYI: Even commoner new moms are supposed to be identifiable only by their designer dupioni silk baby slings or $1000 prams and nappy bags these days. Certainly not by their bodies!)

Speaking of  designer stuff, let's talk wardrobe. When leaving the hospital most people wear comfy maternity pants or even PJ’s. But naturally that’s not an option for you at all.  You will need to wear a dress of course. However! Under no circumstances should you wear a dress that is cool and comfortable and non-constrictive and definitely nothing with an empire waist-this might make you look as if you are still pregnant and that would be the ultimate shame for anyone one whole day after having a baby and absolutely unthinkable for a princess!  If any and I do mean ANY hint of swelling, or sign that you just made and delivered a baby only hours before, still exists, please take care to corset yourself up as tightly as possible and put on something black and slimming.

Kate, I have had 5 kids and seriously, I have always wondered what the heck my problem was, looking all pregnant for months after giving birth, being all sweaty and  emotional and bloodshot and tired looking and not wanting to be around people I wasn’t close to, being shaky and paranoid about strangers and germs around my newborn. And now I totally get it. The only thing that is wrong with me is I’m not a royal!
But you are Kate, and don’t you (or your body) ever forget it.

I'm reading: Dear Princess Kate..(mother of the future King)Tweet this!