I knew from day 1 of May that it was going to be a doozy. It always has been, and in the last few years my complete short circuits occurred predictably on more or less the same day in May. Leading up to those days were a series of occasions and their accompanying triggers, slowly wearing away at the peace and serenity I work so hard to maintain. When I finally unpacked all of it in therapy this week, my therapist looked shocked. "You are not even kidding about May. Wow. And all that is real. It's not in your head. It's real stuff. May really is the worst for you!"
Um...yes. May can die in a freaking fire.
At the end of our session yesterday she said, "I feel compelled to give you a hug. Would that be alright?"
I have many people in my life who say wonderful things to me all the time. I'm very lucky that way, to be surrounded by so many generous and kind people.. A couple of them are truly sincere about it too. They admire me without agenda. It makes me happy that I am a positive influence in their lives, but it doesn't tend to affect the way I see myself, one way or the other. My therapist however does not say much about me. Not one way or another. And when she does, I pay attention.
Yesterday she said to me, in a neutral manner. "You are incredibly strong, maybe even too strong sometimes."
And it connected.
I looked up and said to her, "Apparently so. And I think it's time I really start seeing myself that way. It was the first time I was like. Yes. I am strong. Actually."
After I left, I felt ok. In as much as you can be ok and also be in terrible pain.
I felt like a healthy woman experiencing what I have coined as "emotional childbirth". I pushed through my good moments being who I needed to be, (a wife celebrating an anniversary, a mother celebrating her baby graduating kindergarten and her other children feeling the stressors of the end of the school year,) and then, I would feel it rise, an enormous measure of pain that washed over me. The contractions have been happening all month, periodically intensifying over the course of the week and the last few days I have been in real, active labour. The contractions..
I looked up and said to her, "Apparently so. And I think it's time I really start seeing myself that way. It was the first time I was like. Yes. I am strong. Actually."
After I left, I felt ok. In as much as you can be ok and also be in terrible pain.
I felt like a healthy woman experiencing what I have coined as "emotional childbirth". I pushed through my good moments being who I needed to be, (a wife celebrating an anniversary, a mother celebrating her baby graduating kindergarten and her other children feeling the stressors of the end of the school year,) and then, I would feel it rise, an enormous measure of pain that washed over me. The contractions have been happening all month, periodically intensifying over the course of the week and the last few days I have been in real, active labour. The contractions..
Like a tsunami wall of pain. Taking my breath away, nauseating me. Physical, excruciating pain. In my solar plexus all the way through to my back. Sometimes paralyzing my throat in spasms too. The throat spasms are not unusual in people who are recovering from the type of abuse and secret keeping that induced my PTSD.
When before I was sure it was killing me, and I just wanted to die, now I know what it's about. So I breathe through it. I do what I did when I experienced long and difficult labours without drugs and I told myself what to do when I helped others through long and difficult labours without drugs. I sought support from strategic, trusted sources. I allowed myself to alternate between distracting myself when I was able to and then breathing through it when I wasn't. Accepting the pain, moving with it. Knowing that it would pass. That every surge was bringing me closer to the reality of being healed and whole. A couple of nights ago, I lay in bed and quietly moaned to my husband that the pain was so terrible and profound that I could feel it in my muscles and my skin. His theory was that it had been inside of me for so long, hidden even deeper before and it was working it's way out. I agreed wholeheartedly. I do believe we hold psychological pain in our very cells and so this made sense to me. It didn't make the process any less painful but the understanding made it easier to bear.
In every labour there are pockets of time between the pain and intensity to catch ones breath. During these waves of intense pain I have had many moments when I felt that relief.
This morning I was looking at an ad for some silly not in any way particularly impressive little product on my phone and I heard my voice say out loud with such wonder and delight, "WOW! WHAT. EVEN?!" I immediately laughed at myself. Affectionately, actually. I reminded myself of Kimmie Schmidt.
If you haven't seen The Unbreakable Kimmie Schmidt series, I dunno...maybe you should. I rarely watch TV, but when I'm experiencing a post traumatic episode, I find it therapeutic. It doesn't seem like you should be able to make a comedy out of the kidnapping of a group of young women by a faux religious leader who kept them underground in bunker for years, brainwashing them to keep them there, raping them etc. But somehow they managed to do it. It's a totally silly show, but Kimmie herself is nothing short of a delight. Just seeing her face makes me giggle happily.
This morning as I felt myself still labouring through grief, I thought, "Yes! That's it! Kirsty!
When you feel sad you must: CHANNEL KIMMIE".
Here's what I love about Kimmie :
-Kimmie has seen some dark, dark shit. But she doesn't let it affect her sense of wonder. Life is so unbelievably full of wonder,and beauty and joy and incredible things to learn and experience and see and hear about. The sheer amount of things that there are to LEARN makes me feel giddy with joy. Think about how happy babies are (with the exception of when they aren't). Do you know why? No men not every baby is breastfed, so it's not that. I'll tell you why. It's because literally everything is fascinating and new and amazing to them. That piece of paper they find under the couch. Totally awesome. The noise of it when they crumple it or bat at it, the way it feels in their hand, the way it tastes, the way it moves. That piece of paper is the best goddamn thing a baby has ever seen in their LIFE IS WHAT IT IS, and that's why when you yank it away from them it's completely tragic. You just took away the best.goddamn.thing.that.had.ever.happened.to.them, you monster.
But it's cool because in about 25 seconds they will discover something else that's also the newest most fascinating thing they have ever experienced. This is also why they need to sleep a lot. Their tiny minds are constantly being stimulated and BLOWN. It's exhausting. Babies are thoroughly alive and learning and experiencing all the time. And they are happy (except when they aren't).
Kimmie , oh how I love her, Kimmie captures that childlike wonder and joy. And in a lot of ways I'm like Kimmie. I am constantly amazed by like...everything. It pisses my kids off a little bit. They are like..."why is everything so exciting to you mom? Ugh!" Nobody is more cynical than a teenager. They'll get over it.
Anyway I love this about Kimmie and I love it about me too. No apologies. And btw hell yes the fidget spinner is awesome, not just a fad and I will fight you if you try to steal mine. MOVING ON:
-Kimmie is incredibly kind and generous and willing to help everyone. And she respects her own boundaries.
I'm inclined to be kind and generous and to help people too. I'm wired that way and I feel happy about that. I'm really lucky that I am that way. A lot of people seem to have to work on it or they don't bother working on it and so they are bastards and they don't have a lot of people in their lives who think they are cool and that must suck. Anyway that's never been my problem. What has been my problem is that my kindness and wanting to help and take care of people means that shitty damaged people can take advantage of me and hurt me. I can be naïve about people sometimes.
Yeah, Kimmie had that problem too. We can tell by the fact that she was led into a bunker and stayed there for a lot of years when she could have easily escaped. (I'm hoping you see the parallels in my own life here without me getting out a pencil and a ruler and drawing them for you). Now, wandering around NYC, Kimmie is in peril of being taken advantage of all over again. Like every single day. Happily, Kimmie's not dumb though and she's also not weak. (Hey! Same here!) Soon enough, Kimmie figures out the joy and beauty of BOUNDARIES. Ah boundaries.
We watch as Kimmie figures out those boundaries. And you guys it's freaking inspiring. But why would that be inspiring. I WILL TELL YOU WHY!
Kimmie doesn't trade in her kindness or her childlike wonder and awe or stop believing life rocks and that most people are cool. She doesn't become a cynical, unhelpful, jaded bitch. Nope. She sets up her boundaries and they are rock solid. And it's not just good for Kimmie, it's great for her friends too. She has this one friend who is constantly using her at first and she's like this woman's unpaid Everything. At first, Kimmie runs herself ragged for this delusional wreck of a woman and then one day she loses her characteristic cheery shit, and digs in her heels. She decides enough, already and basically lays it all on the line. Tells the painful woman something like, "you are not paying me I am your FRIEND. So either start paying me or start treating me like an actual friend but you gotta pick one and they decide to go with the friend thing. Or the paid friend thing. I can't quite remember but it's all good. And Kimmie provides help but stops enabling, and the friend becomes more capable and confident and accesses her better self and starts treating Kimmie like a human being and in doing so she experiences what it is like to have a real friend for the first time in her life and it's awesome for them both.
So yeah, boundaries are the best. When I don't ask for what I need or I give more than I am able or if I let people treat me in a way that I know is disrespectful of my established expectations for relationships doesn't make me a chill, cool person....it makes me a person who is ignoring my own boundaries. I become angry and bitter and unkind. It doesn't me happy or anyone around me happy. We don't do people favours when we let them violate our boundaries. The reality is that sometimes the needs and boundaries of two people just aren't going to ever synch up. This part is important:
If your boundaries are healthy and reasonable (and you might need to check in with an impartial third party on that from time to time to be sure, in fact I recommend it especially if you are still figuring this boundary shiz out) and they repeatedly show a disregard for those boundaries, then sadly they are showing a disregard for you as a person, and y'all don't need to keep hanging. I know babies, it's super sad and it's hard and it can be nothing less than heart breaking. But. To stay in that situation will ultimately be sadder and harder and more heart breaking. That's the truth.
And it's better for everyone that way. Watch Kimmie. She's catching on fast that 'lil firecracker.
-Kimmie doesn't feel sorry for herself. And she also doesn't pretend none of that shit happened to her.
Kimmie has a future, she has a lot of lost time to make up for. She doesn't sit around all day thinking about the shitty thing the Reverend did to her all the time and after she got the Reverend properly sorted out and put in jail where he belongs she didn't revisit the bunker. (It's important to note that she DID go back to that traumatic place even though it was really hard for her when she needed to get information to put him away though. Again, do I have to haul out my protractor to show you where I'm going with this analogy? No? Great ok. I didn't think so)
So look Kimmie is also real. She's super matter of fact about her anger over the whole bunker experience, how jacked up it was and how she wishes it had never happened and that it sucked. (In real life, Kimmie would need a shit-ton of therapy and Kimmie is a smart strong cookie so I know that she would have no problem in seeking it out so she could move on.) But while she is real about how messed up and hateful the bunker was, she also acknowledges the survival skills she gained down there. For instance, Kimmie is hella strong from cranking the Reverends "wheel" (turns out it was to power the electricity for his TV in his hidden man cave). He lied to her and the other girls over that, and she was PISSED when she found out what all that cranking was really for, but now she enjoys the strength in her arms to do all sorts of crazy, fun, interesting and useful things.
And what of all the other chicks Kimmie was in the bunker with? Well this part is interesting. Kimmie being Kimmie, wants to help them as they too assimilate into post-bunker life, and she tries rather unsuccessfully, until she realizes that they want different things out of life than she does. One of them, for whom the bunker was a type of nirvana, essentially keeps trying to get kindnapped into new cults and Kimmie gets frustrated with her, until she figures out a way to work with this fetish of cult lovin lady, and helps her to become her own guru. (That's a bit sketchy when you think about it, but what do you want this isn't real life). Anyway! The point is that Kimmie recognizes that everyone is on their own path, and what works for her isn't necessarily the right answer for everyone. While she stays in touch with some of the girls, she doesn't seem to think that she has to stay close to them just because they were thrust into these circumstances together. They don't have a lot else in common.
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When before I was sure it was killing me, and I just wanted to die, now I know what it's about. So I breathe through it. I do what I did when I experienced long and difficult labours without drugs and I told myself what to do when I helped others through long and difficult labours without drugs. I sought support from strategic, trusted sources. I allowed myself to alternate between distracting myself when I was able to and then breathing through it when I wasn't. Accepting the pain, moving with it. Knowing that it would pass. That every surge was bringing me closer to the reality of being healed and whole. A couple of nights ago, I lay in bed and quietly moaned to my husband that the pain was so terrible and profound that I could feel it in my muscles and my skin. His theory was that it had been inside of me for so long, hidden even deeper before and it was working it's way out. I agreed wholeheartedly. I do believe we hold psychological pain in our very cells and so this made sense to me. It didn't make the process any less painful but the understanding made it easier to bear.
In every labour there are pockets of time between the pain and intensity to catch ones breath. During these waves of intense pain I have had many moments when I felt that relief.
This morning I was looking at an ad for some silly not in any way particularly impressive little product on my phone and I heard my voice say out loud with such wonder and delight, "WOW! WHAT. EVEN?!" I immediately laughed at myself. Affectionately, actually. I reminded myself of Kimmie Schmidt.
If you haven't seen The Unbreakable Kimmie Schmidt series, I dunno...maybe you should. I rarely watch TV, but when I'm experiencing a post traumatic episode, I find it therapeutic. It doesn't seem like you should be able to make a comedy out of the kidnapping of a group of young women by a faux religious leader who kept them underground in bunker for years, brainwashing them to keep them there, raping them etc. But somehow they managed to do it. It's a totally silly show, but Kimmie herself is nothing short of a delight. Just seeing her face makes me giggle happily.
This morning as I felt myself still labouring through grief, I thought, "Yes! That's it! Kirsty!
When you feel sad you must: CHANNEL KIMMIE".
Here's what I love about Kimmie :
-Kimmie has seen some dark, dark shit. But she doesn't let it affect her sense of wonder. Life is so unbelievably full of wonder,and beauty and joy and incredible things to learn and experience and see and hear about. The sheer amount of things that there are to LEARN makes me feel giddy with joy. Think about how happy babies are (with the exception of when they aren't). Do you know why? No men not every baby is breastfed, so it's not that. I'll tell you why. It's because literally everything is fascinating and new and amazing to them. That piece of paper they find under the couch. Totally awesome. The noise of it when they crumple it or bat at it, the way it feels in their hand, the way it tastes, the way it moves. That piece of paper is the best goddamn thing a baby has ever seen in their LIFE IS WHAT IT IS, and that's why when you yank it away from them it's completely tragic. You just took away the best.goddamn.thing.that.had.ever.happened.to.them, you monster.
But it's cool because in about 25 seconds they will discover something else that's also the newest most fascinating thing they have ever experienced. This is also why they need to sleep a lot. Their tiny minds are constantly being stimulated and BLOWN. It's exhausting. Babies are thoroughly alive and learning and experiencing all the time. And they are happy (except when they aren't).
Kimmie , oh how I love her, Kimmie captures that childlike wonder and joy. And in a lot of ways I'm like Kimmie. I am constantly amazed by like...everything. It pisses my kids off a little bit. They are like..."why is everything so exciting to you mom? Ugh!" Nobody is more cynical than a teenager. They'll get over it.
Anyway I love this about Kimmie and I love it about me too. No apologies. And btw hell yes the fidget spinner is awesome, not just a fad and I will fight you if you try to steal mine. MOVING ON:
-Kimmie is incredibly kind and generous and willing to help everyone. And she respects her own boundaries.
I'm inclined to be kind and generous and to help people too. I'm wired that way and I feel happy about that. I'm really lucky that I am that way. A lot of people seem to have to work on it or they don't bother working on it and so they are bastards and they don't have a lot of people in their lives who think they are cool and that must suck. Anyway that's never been my problem. What has been my problem is that my kindness and wanting to help and take care of people means that
Yeah, Kimmie had that problem too. We can tell by the fact that she was led into a bunker and stayed there for a lot of years when she could have easily escaped. (I'm hoping you see the parallels in my own life here without me getting out a pencil and a ruler and drawing them for you). Now, wandering around NYC, Kimmie is in peril of being taken advantage of all over again. Like every single day. Happily, Kimmie's not dumb though and she's also not weak. (Hey! Same here!) Soon enough, Kimmie figures out the joy and beauty of BOUNDARIES. Ah boundaries.
We watch as Kimmie figures out those boundaries. And you guys it's freaking inspiring. But why would that be inspiring. I WILL TELL YOU WHY!
Kimmie doesn't trade in her kindness or her childlike wonder and awe or stop believing life rocks and that most people are cool. She doesn't become a cynical, unhelpful, jaded bitch. Nope. She sets up her boundaries and they are rock solid. And it's not just good for Kimmie, it's great for her friends too. She has this one friend who is constantly using her at first and she's like this woman's unpaid Everything. At first, Kimmie runs herself ragged for this delusional wreck of a woman and then one day she loses her characteristic cheery shit, and digs in her heels. She decides enough, already and basically lays it all on the line. Tells the painful woman something like, "you are not paying me I am your FRIEND. So either start paying me or start treating me like an actual friend but you gotta pick one and they decide to go with the friend thing. Or the paid friend thing. I can't quite remember but it's all good. And Kimmie provides help but stops enabling, and the friend becomes more capable and confident and accesses her better self and starts treating Kimmie like a human being and in doing so she experiences what it is like to have a real friend for the first time in her life and it's awesome for them both.
So yeah, boundaries are the best. When I don't ask for what I need or I give more than I am able or if I let people treat me in a way that I know is disrespectful of my established expectations for relationships doesn't make me a chill, cool person....it makes me a person who is ignoring my own boundaries. I become angry and bitter and unkind. It doesn't me happy or anyone around me happy. We don't do people favours when we let them violate our boundaries. The reality is that sometimes the needs and boundaries of two people just aren't going to ever synch up. This part is important:
If your boundaries are healthy and reasonable (and you might need to check in with an impartial third party on that from time to time to be sure, in fact I recommend it especially if you are still figuring this boundary shiz out) and they repeatedly show a disregard for those boundaries, then sadly they are showing a disregard for you as a person, and y'all don't need to keep hanging. I know babies, it's super sad and it's hard and it can be nothing less than heart breaking. But. To stay in that situation will ultimately be sadder and harder and more heart breaking. That's the truth.
And it's better for everyone that way. Watch Kimmie. She's catching on fast that 'lil firecracker.
-Kimmie doesn't feel sorry for herself. And she also doesn't pretend none of that shit happened to her.
Kimmie has a future, she has a lot of lost time to make up for. She doesn't sit around all day thinking about the shitty thing the Reverend did to her all the time and after she got the Reverend properly sorted out and put in jail where he belongs she didn't revisit the bunker. (It's important to note that she DID go back to that traumatic place even though it was really hard for her when she needed to get information to put him away though. Again, do I have to haul out my protractor to show you where I'm going with this analogy? No? Great ok. I didn't think so)
So look Kimmie is also real. She's super matter of fact about her anger over the whole bunker experience, how jacked up it was and how she wishes it had never happened and that it sucked. (In real life, Kimmie would need a shit-ton of therapy and Kimmie is a smart strong cookie so I know that she would have no problem in seeking it out so she could move on.) But while she is real about how messed up and hateful the bunker was, she also acknowledges the survival skills she gained down there. For instance, Kimmie is hella strong from cranking the Reverends "wheel" (turns out it was to power the electricity for his TV in his hidden man cave). He lied to her and the other girls over that, and she was PISSED when she found out what all that cranking was really for, but now she enjoys the strength in her arms to do all sorts of crazy, fun, interesting and useful things.
And what of all the other chicks Kimmie was in the bunker with? Well this part is interesting. Kimmie being Kimmie, wants to help them as they too assimilate into post-bunker life, and she tries rather unsuccessfully, until she realizes that they want different things out of life than she does. One of them, for whom the bunker was a type of nirvana, essentially keeps trying to get kindnapped into new cults and Kimmie gets frustrated with her, until she figures out a way to work with this fetish of cult lovin lady, and helps her to become her own guru. (That's a bit sketchy when you think about it, but what do you want this isn't real life). Anyway! The point is that Kimmie recognizes that everyone is on their own path, and what works for her isn't necessarily the right answer for everyone. While she stays in touch with some of the girls, she doesn't seem to think that she has to stay close to them just because they were thrust into these circumstances together. They don't have a lot else in common.
I think a lot of us are loyal to groups and people that and whom we came to be friends with out of shared circumstances, and then we get all bent out of shape when those people don't fit or fulfill all of our emotional and intellectual needs. If Kimmie kept trying to hang with those chicks she would be severely limited and she would feel constantly nuts. Kind of like how I felt when I kept trying to be a good Mormon. It wasn't going to work. Those weren't (with several notable exceptions) my people, and that wasn't my scene. Some of them need to get the hell out like I did and others of them, eh it's working. They are happy. It's not my call to make. I hope I empower the ones who feel like I did to ditch. That's good enough for me.
So that's where I am at, darlings. I will resume my story when May isn't kicking my ass quite so hard and when I'm not so damn busy kicking it back. Because I don't go down with a fight. Never!
I am after all,
The Unbreakable Kirsty Sayer...DAMMIT! ;) Love you all.
So that's where I am at, darlings. I will resume my story when May isn't kicking my ass quite so hard and when I'm not so damn busy kicking it back. Because I don't go down with a fight. Never!
I am after all,
The Unbreakable Kirsty Sayer...DAMMIT! ;) Love you all.
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