You guys, I'm kinda nailing this November blogging thing. I'm just saying.
OK. SO:
You know those people who don't get impressed by anything? Well that's not me. Life can be hard and people are amazing. There are so many people who leave me breathless with their resilience, brilliance, bravery, dedication, creativity, strength, willpower, patience, capacity to love. Over time, particularly in the last couple of years my inner circle has become extremely small and tight and there is not a single person inside of it who doesn't completely blow me away in some regard on a daily basis. I feel like that's a good rule of thumb for who you want in your inner circle. You want your inner circle to make you smile from the inside out, to light up your soul in some way. You want your chosen people to be the type of people who make you drift away for a moment when you are interacting with them because you are marveling over how incredibly lucky you are to have them in your life.
Sometimes I will mention to a friend how I have replayed something they have said or done in my mind when the going gets tough and I need inspiration. Usually they have completely forgotten the incident they had a part in which was so inspiring to me (that's good to remember, you never know who you are inspiring and how).
I am inspired by people I know and love also by people I don't know. Today, I watched the NYC marathon and got teary eyed along with everyone else as the female winner pumped her fist in triumph when she realised she had won. The first American woman in 40 years to do so.
Ripped from the pages of my facebook feed:
Her "FUCK YES 
✊🏻!!!!" as she sprinted at the line...gave me a total lump in my throat. So I pretty much always root for the African but it was so apparent that she was having that one in a million perfect dream come true when every oz of everything you have sacrificed and suffered comes through for you at just the right moment experience and that kind of magic...it's just an absolute privilege to watch.
Clearly, I can never relate to the thrill of being an elite major marathon winner, but I can most certainly relate to what it feels like when all the work pays off and you are also blessed with a good running day. Running is so unpredictable and in the course of 26.2 miles alongside thousands of other people, anything can happen to derail your dreams but today, it all fell into place for Shalane Flanagan and that was magical and so inspiring. Just the shot in the arm I needed as I have been struggling with a fearful and pessimistic mindset in my own marathon training. I want to feel some of that joy again. It's absolutely intoxicating. She was every little girl who had a dream's hero today.
But if you were to ask me which person I think of the most often when I am really at rock bottom, when the tank is empty, when I can't get out of bed, when I feel like the worst, most useless or ridiculous human being in the world and I really need to get over that and get on with it. The person who comes to mind is.....
Me.
Why? Because there is nobody I know more intimately. There is no one whose struggles I am more closely acquainted with. There is no struggle I can relate to better than my own. I know exactly what I have overcome, and how often I have triumphed in tiny and big ways. Sometimes it's as small as getting out of bed, and forcing myself to do some household chores before I collapse back into bed to sleep off the grips of a PTSD episode, sometimes it is taking my tired self out into the freezing cold to complete a difficult run, other times it' humbling myself on the mat as I get tossed around like a rag doll at jiu jitsu or being content to look completely inept at boxing, sometimes it's as big as giving birth or completing a 1/2 marathon or naming and facing my biggest demons, standing up to my abusers, walking away from things which are breaking me. But every time something hard comes along, and I fear I will not be able to handle it, the most powerful and effective thing I know to do is remembering all the times I did.
Reminding myself that I have survived 100% of my worst most difficult days, and I will survive this too. Allowing myself permission to start over, to ask for forgiveness from others, to accept forgiveness from myself. Reminding myself that this too shall pass, like all the times it did before. Conjuring up memories of all the times I thought I was done for, when in fact I wasn't.
Let me be very clear. I don't believe I'm any better than anyone else. But I know that my victories are hard won and I know they are legit.
Which is why, as I get older and wiser, the days when I'm feeling ok or maybe even better than ok, I try to make hay while the sun shines. I try to do as much as I can. I try to stretch myself, move out of my comfort zone, face a fear, do something new, express my love and appreciation fearlessly. I try to deposit as much as I can into the Bank of Mama Said There Would Be Days Like This.
So that when those rainy impossible days do come, I can make those withdrawals from my archives of badassery, and I can remind myself of how awesome I am and how brave and tough and strong and fierce I can be when I need to be.
Here's my advice. Surround yourself with your heroes, always be looking for new ones, but most importantly, be your own.
xoxo
The Person Who Inspires Me Most
On the road less traveled, 13 year old FBI agents and other stuff I'm happy about..
Magical little moments when Ella brings me a book that she has written and put together regarding the joys of it being November 1st. There is just so much to love about this and it's hard to remember anything else not being completely perfect when I am present to this type of goodness.
A 13 year old son who took on a mammoth sink load of dirty dishes completely on his own initiative while I lay in bed sleeping off my body's attempt to get sick this afternoon. (I will not get sick because my 13 year old let me sleep and did the dishes and getting sick after that would be the epitome of ingratitude. Also, he had the best Halloween costume ever as an FBI agent making the type of arrest dreams are made of.
Adventures in Float (Sensory Deprivation) Therapy.
It's November you guys and I'm totally back. I know that's my line but...hey..
No seriously. This time it's going to stick. I have missed my blogging so terribly much. So. Terribly. Much. I have such a backlog of posts in drafts. I have been typing away like a fiend but for some reason I have had such a mental block about getting back in the blogging saddle. But here I am. I am here.Several years ago somewhere on this blog (in a post far away which I cannot find) I waxed wishful and wistful about how desperately I would like to have the experience of floating in a sensory deprivation tank. And then.dreams came true and ..this marvelous place opened not very far from my home right in time for my super intense adventures in PTSD. I had read quite a bit about the benefits of floating for PTSD and since I am all about getting that episode of my life dealt with as quickly and properly as possibly, I made an appointment with alacrity. True REST is the acronym representing Reduced Environment Stimulus Therapy which is somewhat different from the idea of total sensory deprivation. The pods offer lights, music and even iphone hook ups so you can listen to whatever you want. They are also equipped with a two way intercom so you are never without access to someone who can answer questions or help you out should you need them.
Just the aesthetics of the True REST float spa are enough to attract anyone looking for some calm and serenity. This glowing orb filled with warm water is nothing short of mesmerizing. MESMERIZING I SAY. But let's start at the beginning because the whole thing is An Experience.
I am horribly claustrophobic to the extent that I have made all of my loved ones promise that I will be buried attached to all sorts of bells and cell phones and shovels and such should it turn out that I was just in a deep coma so I was pretty skeptical as to how well I would cope with getting into a pod and closing the lid. Turns out it really isn't claustrophobic at all. If you want you can leave the lid open as much as you like (I didn't like because I didn't want to get chilly) You are free to push it open at any time. You can also control the lighting from blues, greens, reds or plunge yourself into total darkness, which I only managed to deal with for a few moments at a time. It's just SO dark. The pod itself is not small or confining you can float around in there very freely.
My first experience really surprised me because I relaxed and almost fell asleep almost immediately and I am the type of person who can only sleep in my own bed under optimal conditions, when thoroughly exhausted. Ugh so high maintenance. I felt incredibly relaxed after and the sensation lasted for days after but it wasn't a very intentional experience and by the time my hour was up that day I was more than ready to get out. I was just so unused to lying still without stimuli.
The next time I went I had the intention of dealing with an injury prior to a race. The extremely high salt content is recommended for athletes and I have had a lot of luck preventing injuries by taking regular Epsom salt baths. And this is way, way next level to that. I found that the nagging pain in my calf was markedly improved after the first float and so I made an appointment for one more the day before my race.
I honestly cannot speak highly enough of the benefits of the float tank. The whole experience is so serene, nurturing, healing and uplifting. If you are dealing with excess stress physically, mentally, emotionally. If you are dealing with PTSD (the Perrysburg location offers special pricing packages for veterans), if you are an athlete trying to avoid or heal from injury, if you have a chronic condition or illness, this is for you. If you like time to yourself, would be interested in taking your meditation to the next level or are just curious as to what this otherworldly womb like state could do for your mind and body, this is for you. Did I mention that they have an oxygen bar that you can hook up to after your float session? And a beautiful, well appointed dressing room where you can dry your hair, reapply make up and gradually re-enter the real world? It has FLAVOURED oxygen. It's so incredibly Hollywood! For more pictures, locations close to you reviews and videos as well as to take advantage of the packages being offered this month be sure to check out their facebook page.
On Being Fiercely 40 (now that I'm 41)
Darlings. Look at this! A blog post! I had to do it. For posterity. By the time I finish and publish this post I will be celebrating my non-official birthday and will have completed my 40th year on this mortal coil.
And what a year it was, yo.
Honestly? I have lost track of time and space this year. So much has happened it feels like at least 10. Which isn't a bad way to go when you are 40 and 40 happens to have been your favourite year so far.
I have always heard women proclaiming that their lives began at 40 and everything fell into place and it was the literal best and I was like..the lady doth protest too much, methinks. BUT I AM HERE TO TELL YOU IT IS ALL TRUE.
Which is not to say for a single second that 40 has been one big joyful skip in the meadow of serenity. Not so much. Not at all. I mean when I think back on the year I feel really happy and good about it but apparently lots of shit went down (which I know cognitively and I can even identify to be all too true for several moments like earlier today around 2pm as I sat in my empty bath, fully clothed texting "FML" messages to a friend).
HOWEVER. HOW.EVER my general sense is that this year has been awesome and that isn't because it has been easy because it hasn't all been easy. It's just that I feel like me. And I'm (finally) cool with who I am. All messy and twisty and volatile and angry and peaceful and kind and bitchy and hurt and healed and wise and ridiculous and immature and disciplined and driven and lazy and cool and sexy and dorky and insecure and confident and self loathing and confused and clear thinking. All of me. I'm down with it. I finally am who I am and I love this crazy broad I call Myself. Yes I do. And I make no apologies for whatever it is I am on any given day because...I am who I am. And that's what 40 looks like. That's the gift it's brought me. Accepting that I am who I am and working within that acceptance to be the best version of me that I can muster on any given day. And some days that looks like just getting out of bed (or getting into bed and staying away from the defenseless public).
Other stuff I love about being 40/41? I'm fortunate enough to be healthy and active and old enough to know how lucky I am to be healthy and active and experienced enough to be good to my body and treat it with the respect it deserves instead of doing crazy things to make it look a certain way I listen to it so that it can feel and function a certain way. I'm not even going to pretend that I don't care about how it looks. I want it to look as good as it feels, and when it doesn't I get frustrated and I'm not sorry about that either. I think enjoying the way we look and feeling confident in our skin is nothing to be ashamed of and certainly something to strive for.
And as ever, the PTSD thing. Man alive that's a beast! Am I right? However, it's a beast that can be conquered. With patience and determination and education and support. It can absolutely be conquered. I still struggle mightily some days. Life has a way of just pulling the freaking rug out whenever you think you are nailing it. Life is a total bitch that way. But here's what's hopeful. I still get triggered from time to time and then I hate everything and it's the worst and I take a moment to do whatever just to stay alive and then...it passes. It. Passes. There have not been any major spirals into despair. There haven't been any more weeks/months lost to torturous pain or perhaps worse..total catatonic numbness. There have been excruciatingly painful, confusing, isolating horrible moments, hours, maybe a day or two and one month in particular this year was grueling, but the reprieves have come quickly and regularly. This is profound progress. Darlings, please listen to me. If you are in the catatonic numbness or the greyness of the days when you wish you could just cease to exist...please know that this too shall pass and with the right help, you are going to experience those times less and less and even when you are in them the edge will not be quite as sharp and the despair will not be as enveloping and terrifying. It honestly does get better. And none of this is for naught. I have been so honoured to walk beside others on this journey. In places similar to where I am now, or further down or forward on the path of healing. As an ex-Mormon, a religion which finds meaning in everything and nothing, it was weird to suddenly find myself at a loose end. Having to define my own belief system. Weird is the wrong word. It was devastating and horrifying and terrifying but also liberating AF and ultimately it has brought me so much peace. My pain means something if I'm willing to use it to hold space for others who are experiencing their own. And that's enough for me. I need nothing else to find meaning in my life. I'm here to help with what I've learned through suffering. There's enough struggle and grief in the world to keep me occupied with that for the rest of my days. And they will be days well spent if I do.
In summary this year I have loved my life (even when I've been cursing it) and I love my people. I am grateful to have lived another year of this brilliantly brutiful life. I have been incredibly fortunate in my circumstances and my relationships. I so hope that I can live many more just as eventful, exciting, growth filled, humbling, confusing and fully alive as this one. Thanks for being along for this ride, and for letting me be a part of yours.
And since I drink now (which by the way is really most enjoyable in moderation in case you were wondering), cheers and L'Chaim and bottoms up and all that!
Kisses,
k
Soft earth. On Being Alive.
You guys, I'm alive. I mean you knew that. But here's the thing. I'm ALIVE. This is wonderful, this is exciting, this is painful, this is frightening, this is overwhelming, this is hard.
Being comfortably numb (with apologies to Pink Floyd) has its benefits. It is by its very definition, comfortable. One only has to have dental work without full anesthesia to know that numbness can be a very desirable thing. It has its place. But it is no way to live.
Life is really intense lately, it's been truly uncomfortable. Sometimes barely tolerable. But there have been some freaking excellent highs sprinkled in there on a consistent basis too. Having experienced comfortably numb, uncomfortably numb and flat despair. I feel privileged to feel the burn of being alive.
Last night I was at a birthday party for an awesome friend. I was surrounded by wonderful friends. Life was good. There was laughing and dancing and happiness. This morning the demons woke me up. Problems seemed insurmountable and all consuming. I felt trapped and overwhelmed. I felt the numbness creeping in. I pictured soft earth, burrowing myself into it, curling up fetal, shutting it all out. No decisions to make, no dilemmas to solve, no painful conversations to have, no uncertainty, no anger, no insecurity, no more questions, no more feelings. Appealing. Bury it. Shut it all down.
A run was in order. I knew it. The weather is impeccable. Had to happen. But I weighed 10,000 lbs and the weakness in my limbs was profound . Extreme emotional exhaustion was my self diagnosis. It's more draining than the longest run I've ever done. I sat at the entrance to the woods willing myself to get out of the car and run. But I just felt heavier and heavier and more and more tired, the soft earth fantasy was more and more appealing. I pictured myself going home, going up to my room. pulling the blankets over my head and falling asleep. But sleep is never really a great escape for me. I dream constantly and vividly. So that kind of sucks. I feel myself detaching watching myself slipping back into the place I have clawed my way out of.
Defeated, I put my car into reverse and started backing out. I saw another car waiting to get out, so pulled forward again. I caught sight of the driver. It was a young guy, he smiled and gave me a friendly wave. He looked alive and happy, he had just been in the woods, in the fresh air and sunshine. I wanted to feel like that. I didn't want the soft earth to cover me. I pulled back into my parking spot. I made a playlist. I named it Kirsty Kicks Ass.
I dragged my 10,000 lb body out of the car, my weak limbs trailed along behind me. I cranked up my music. I told my legs to run. I thought about the conversations I have had this weekend. I thought about the friends I have.
I thought of my beautiful brave friend who has endured more shit than anyone deserves to, who encourages me even as she struggles. I thought of her echoing my question emphatically, "why is it so hard to LIVE?". How validated I felt at that moment. I thought of my friend who always reminds me that I'm in charge of my own life, who says, "I get it" and 100% does. I thought of my friend who is going through the hardest time of her life and continues to be a rock. I thought of the friends who freely express confidence in me and love for me. I thought of my son who told me
"mom you are so awesome" as I left the house. My pace increases. The limbs stop feeling weak. I think about how hard life is for every single person I know, how we are all connected in suffering. Health problems, money problems, kid problems, lonely marriages, unrequited love, insecurities, feelings we are not at liberty to express, I think about how good it feels to laugh, I think about how lucky I am to have people in my life who make me laugh every day. As I run I feel the soft earth under my feet. It is springy, it launches me forward. It is good to be alive,
It’s the final count down…Goodbye Ohio
T-1.5 days ‘til the first batch of us depart on our grand South African adventure m’peeps. It’s actually, finally happening.
So many thoughts and feelings abound! I am most grateful for my daily runs through the woods that have enabled me to connect with myself and my thoughts every day during this unsettled and emotional time. The more I do that the more I realise how imperative it is…to have some time with yourself, your thoughts, your higher power and nature every day to stay in balance, I can’t believe how many days I have existed on this earth without doing that.
Warning: plethora of rubbish quality randomly selected iphone photos ahead. Also, not sure why but Blogger has gone back to the old way of doing things where it compresses everything to tininess so that makes it even worse. Let’s give this blog post an E for Effort under duress, even if it doesn’t earn an A for Artistry shall we? Bygones…
Here are some of the thoughts I’ve been having during my meetings with my mind in the woods. (The rest of the time I am packing and unpacking suitcases in my mind and occasionally in real life too..)
After 38 years (or close to it) of using worry as form of insurance against calamity I’m finally ready to abandon that ridiculous notion. In the immortal words of Jason Mraz, I won’t worry (any more) of my life away. Of course when you have been doing just that for 38 odd years its a pretty ingrained habit, one which I am apt to return several times a day, but the emotional attachment to doing so has been broken and I’m ready to cut it loose so when I remind myself that I’m not going to do this anymore, my self listens and that is so awesome. I don’t have control over anything really and that’s ok.
I gauge Fall’s progress by this tree. I have no control over it, but I enjoy watching it.
The future for us is a big unknown. We don’t know how long we’ll be in South Africa, Aaron still doesn’t have a job and we are unwilling to be separated indefinitely so it may just be a few months. As I’ve mentioned before, this is making the leaving part a whole lot less traumatic and dramatic than if we were certain of permanency. I have determined that I will take each day in South Africa for what it is and enjoy it as much as possible, live in the moment rather than dissolving it by obsessing about the future and needing to know with a surety what that will look like. This is a huge shift in mindset for me. Like…pretty much the antithesis of the way I generally function.
We’ve had various farewell gatherings and ceremonies over the last few weeks and the recognition of how good we have it here, in terms of a supportive and loving community and a generally idyllic white picket lifestyle has really been reinforced. Our kids lead pretty charmed lives here, and whenever I start spiraling into a panic about taking them away from the familiar and comfortable, Aaron reminds me of what a blessing it can be to get out of one’s comfort zone, of how lucky they are to be able to experience another culture, how their frame of reference and point of view will forever be broadened and most importantly how they will finally be able to experience having extended family in a day to day setting. Not to mention skipping at least one brutal Ohioan winter. That Aaron is a rock and a gem, I tell you. Wait a gem is a rock isn’t it? Moving along..
And yet it’s still so hard. We have some beautiful friendships and we are leaving at my most favourite time of year. All the kids are happy and successful in all of their current endeavours. Nobody is dealing with any major issues right now. Ohio has pulled all the stops this Fall and it has been spectacularly beautiful and gorgeously temperate for the most part. Last weekend was particularly glorious as friends from near and far gathered to wish us well on both Saturday and Sunday. On Saturday night we walked across the alley and the park as we have so many other times… laden with bowls to share an evening at the beautiful Blacks house. My children’s literal home away from home. Site of endless “late overs,” sleep overs and frantic mini-van pick ups and drop offs. So many hours spent standing watching kids playing in the park, listening to kids playing various instruments, laughing, eating, solving problems of the world..
Boyz of the hood…and some girls. Sigh me and my big mouth….
On Sunday my friend Sandy put on an epic spread of South African and Ohioan cuisine for 7o people, hung South African flags and even created South African jeopardy. Friends contributed photos for a slide show and we laughed and got verklempt as captured moments from the last decade reminded us of how lucky we have been.
It was so amazing to see so many of my favourite people in one place. If I could gather all the wisdom, grace, generosity, talent and kindness of the people in that house on that day, I think I could power the world on sheer positive energy for at least a week. And that was just from those who could make it. There are so many more people I love and appreciate, who have altered my life forever in a positive way, who sadly could not attend..but that’s ok because I have them in my heart.
Monday night we stayed out in the weirdly wonderful balmy weather until long after dark in shirt sleeves on the soccer field as Finny’s team played one last scrimmage and presented him with not one but two MAN U jerseys (one of them personalized with “FINNY” on the back) and various rowdy tributes and pep talks.
Tuesday was Gracie’s last game with a team that has been a sisterhood to her for many years before she had a sister by blood.
Benj and Gabe’s soccer team reached the district finals this year and both of them had the season of their lives and have developed heartwarming friendships with their teammates and a coach who came to the farewell (pictured with his daughter who has been Finny’s friend for all the years) bearing a beautiful bound copy of The Odyssey.
I found the above pic of Benj on google looking for something else entirely. Isn’t that cool? He’s famous! That’s him with his decade long bro Keller. They call themselves the “Stormin Mormons”.
This week Ella went to the pumpkin patch with her preschool, just as Gabe, Gracie and Finny before her did. Tomorrow she will say goodbye to “Muss Cindi” and empty out her little cubby and happy school routine to which she is already so attached and that is unfathomable. Do you see why the impermanence of this scheme is a huge key to my coping strategy?!
Last night we had Trunk or Treating at our church where 2 of our babies were blessed and four were baptised. I watched as my kids danced with friends, primary teachers and bishops and said goodbye to people who have brought casseroles and planted gardens, who have laughed and cried with us and watched our children grow from babies into young adults.
Tomorrow night will gather at the Richardsons for our traditional pre-Trick or Treating pizza party, the glittering event which kicks off the Holiday Season At the Richardsons series which I love so much. We will traipse with cold noses and freezing hands through crunchy leaves around the Norman Rockwell-esque neighbourhood with our cute little girl reminding her to say “thank you”, smiling at other exhausted and proud parents, waving at Finny’s posse occasionally as they streak by shrieking at each other to “wait for me” .
And on Saturday we will drive away from Bowling Green….for a few months or possibly forever. But I just can’t go there in my mind. It won’t compute right now. Maybe if I was leaving with the whole family it would be easier to imagine but even then. We have created a family here and we have lived here for longer than we have lived anywhere. This house has been the longest home base I’ve ever had.
Our house…in the middle of our street.
When we moved to Bowling Green on November 1st 2003, I swore to Aaron that I would be out before the next Winter. On November 1st, 2014, I will make good on that promise and but it won’t be with the “so long suckers” glee I imagined 11 years ago. When we moved in here from beautiful Napa Valley 11 years ago, I remember waving goodbye to my children from the ice encrusted front door, my soul shrinking in despair. My neighbour at the time yelled over to me in cheerful commiseration “isn’t this awful? Why do we live here?!” I smiled grimly but I remember thinking, “Well some of us didn’t know better and will be out of here VERY SOON unlike you, clearly crazy person”.
And then 11 years of memories and friendships and kindness and support and traditions and glorious Autumns and pretty Springs, and long firefly studded Summer evenings and chaotic hot chocolate laced snow days happened and I understood.
Thank you for having us, Bowling Green Ohio. You suck at Winter but you are home to some of the world’s best people and a big piece of our hearts.
