Return to me

Depression sucks. Literally. It sucks the life out of you. It sucks the joy, the energy, the motivation, the creativity, the spirituality, the kindness, the spark, the selflessness, the hope. It sucks.
June was a real struggle for me against the post-partum depression monster. It was a struggle for my family too. It was sad for my friends to watch. It was frightening and frustrating for my family who live far away. It was a tough month. I hope July will be better. A week ago, I finally had a brief moment of clarity, when I realized that what my friends and family had been telling (and telling) me was true- I had to stop fighting against the inevitable and get myself onto some anti-depressants. I had been blessed to have been able to go drug free for my whole pregnancy and for the first three months of breastfeeding,  so I suppose I should be very grateful for that reprieve.
The medication I am taking is safe for nursing which I wanted to continue so that’s great, but it is not without its unfortunate side effects. Weight gain being one of them which does not excite me.  I can’t afford it. When I nurse, my body clings to fat like a monkey to a vine. (If I have to read another article about another celebrity who cites “breastfeeding” as their magical weight loss secret I will have to get violent with that particular magazine. ) It does quite the opposite for me.  In fact due to the depression I ate practically nothing for several days at a time at various times over the last month and I lost not a pound. Well maybe one or two, but not the amount I should have lost all things considered.  Oh well. That said, adding a medication which has historically made me pack on the lbs has made me feel pretty resistant to the idea… but there ya go. We do what we have to do. Better to be fat and happy. For a time.
So far I am not happy. I have had moments of happiness for sure.  I am more stable for sure. I had a pretty pleasant weekend in fact, but I could not tell I was not myself. I miss my old self. I vaguely remember her. I wonder if I will ever be energetic, creative, excited about life again. I know that the medication takes some time to build up to therapeutic levels.
***The above was written a week ago ….and I have to say I am feeling more like myself all the time. I am remembering what it is to be a fully functional human being. I am not all the way there yet, but I am on my way. I have had at least one full productive day of housework which I have found enjoyable rather then overwhelming,  I have been able to get through whole days without snapping at my kids even when they desperately deserved it or staring vacantly at them trying to locate my vocabulary when they asked questions.  I have been able to exercise.  I can make plans with confidence that I will have the energy and fortitude to follow through with them.  I can engage in social situations.
Considering where I was two weeks ago (which was a very dark and frightening place) this is nothing short of miraculous. If I have to be a manatee until I am done nursing, it is worth it.  Mental clarity and stability, patience and kindness, enthusiasm, energy and creativity are for sure, a fair trade off.
I’m not one of those people who finds the muse in depression. Perhaps that only happens to true artistes. When I am depressed all creativity shuts down, hence very little blogging lately. I hope to get back to it regularly from now on. You’ve heard it before? But I’m fairly confident this time.
Tomorrow I will be reviewing my favourite read of this Summer (and considering reading is pretty much all I have done this Summer, there was a lot of competition) . I will also be hosting a giveaway of that same book! Tune in tomorrow to hear all about it and grab your chance to win a really lovely book.
Finally if you haven’t seen the video of Ella laughing on my facebook page, check it out. It’s seriously good medicine.  And it won’t make you gain weight.

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