So full disclosure. I went to this really, really terrible Dr. earlier in the week to see him about getting something for what appears to be a rampant case of ADD (per a trained psychologist). He felt that the psychologist was wrong or at least that I had misinterpreted what the psychologist had told me. Of course he would know. After reading a fraction of his report, and in his all encompassing knowledge of psychiatry as a GP, and after having seen me once prior in the past 5 years-whereupon he diagnosed a freckle on my face as a “fungal infection”. Seriously. It was a freckle. It looked like a freckle, it felt like a freckle, derm confirmed it was a freckle….after carving it out of my face.
Bygones.
But you know what? Bygones aside. Shame on me for being so idiotic as to return to this guy. This time he was even ruder and more dismissive and just…weird (and totally off base) than he was last time and I shall not return, nay I shall not, not unless wild horses drag me, which is a shame since the office/nursing staff are really nice and efficient and the wait time is never very long.
SHAME ON ME AGAIN x infinity for taking this man’s advice to halve my depression medication. (After telling him about my recent major depressive episode of course, and the fact that Winter makes me S.A.D..yeah seems prudent to HALVE the meds right?)
The thing is, taking less medication always seems more attractive to me than taking more and I’m always game for that. I guess I grasped on straws that maybe this strange man was right about this one thing. And so I did.
Cue: the almost immediate rage and dissolving of what was left of my already not so solid filter.
Facebook from my corner should be enlightening/entertaining if not edifying for a while.
But you know what…right now (in this brief lucid moment 
) I’m feeling like maybe I need to thank this Dr. for making me even crazier than usual.
This morning I felt more than a decade’s worth of pent up resentment and hurt feelings spilling out onto a private facebook message and while it did not exactly feel good, it did not feel terrible either. As I said in a post recently, relationships can’t be fixed if one party does not know the other party feels they are broken.
Lately I have been wondering how much damage is done by being as secretive as we are or as careful and politically correct as we are. How much damage is done in the name of “keeping the peace”, “sparing feelings” “not wanting to offend” ? How many people are thrown under the bus?
For instance, yesterday I posted about my dismay regarding my church’s alliance with the Boy Scouts of America. Particularly in light of their current stand against homosexual members. Since our church believes that righteous homosexual members are equal in every way to righteous heterosexual members, it does not jive with what the BSA seem to believe. (That homosexuals are deviant and horrible and should hide who they are or not be allowed to participate in the program).
Well with my recent lack of filter/increase in righteous indignation I was totally happy to make my previously only quietly but intensely expressed feelings known to all who cared to happen upon my facebook page. I had not felt as if it was “appropriate” to express my feelings openly before because I feared it would offend people. But you know what? I’m cool with that now. I’m offended too. I am deeply offended for my gay and lesbian brothers and sisters. I feel that what is being done to them at the hands of the BSA is a terrible wrong and it should not be tolerated by any of us.
And you know what? Sharing my feelings felt good. It felt right. Surprisingly, I got lots of support..and much of it from members of my faith. I was pleasantly surprised. I am sure there are members of my faith out there shaking their heads and clucking their tongues.
I know that there are people in my faith who feel that I am dangerously liberal in my views and wish desperately that I would just shut my big mouth already. And I’m learning to be more ok with that. In fact, I am learning to embrace that.
I don’t go out of my way to offend others. I truly don’t. I have no desire. But I will no longer be cowardly in speaking my truth. This is the year of fearlessness. And fearlessness means honesty. Even if it is uncomfortable. Even if it is unpopular. Even if it is judged as unrighteous and unseemly. So long as I am right with my conscience and right with my God. So long as I am not going out of my way to be brash, to be shocking, so long as I am not trying to offend others, so long as I am sharing because I think it will help those who are under-represented, I think I’m on the right path. I’m ok with being judged by those who disagree.
There have been other things I have been keeping under wraps lately. Because they aren’t my news/problems/issues to share. But I can’t help but feel that transparency would be everyone’s friend in these cases. People are more tolerant, more kind, more generous than we give them credit for. People could help other people if they knew what they were quietly struggling with and that support could make all the difference. People would judge others less if they knew what was really going on with them. Even if the things that are going on with them are ugly and frightening. Families could be kept together, crimes could be avoided, lifelong trauma could be spared if we were all more honest and upfront. Of this I am sure.
I know we have often been accused of being a society of TMI (too much information), of over oversharing, of keeping nothing sacred. And I don’t disagree. But it seems like we are sharing to excess a lot of the trivial and delicate and sacred, and becoming more and more disconnected regarding things which matter most, which should come to light, which should be discussed, the things that need to be shared.
What is your take? Do you feel like you’d benefit from a magic pill (or lack thereof) to make you less careful/guarded in the things that you say? To be more brave? Do you think our society needs more transparency or more privacy or both? Are you keeping secrets for people that you are uncomfortable with? Do you feel strongly about something you think is wrong but are afraid of speaking out about it for fear of offending? Let’s tawk.
Edited to say, this is wonderful, poignant and so true. Please read it and share it.
On losing one’s Shiz ~PART 2. Or: Why I’m Not Going to Shut Up Anymore.
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6 comments:
Kirsty,
I LOVE this post. I am with you on the sharing. I think we all could stand to be a little more open and honest. I LOVE that you linked about the BSA. My heart literally hurts for our Gay and Lesbian brothers and sisters and the horrible treatment they have received at the hands of so many. I am sorry you have such an idiot for a doctor. I would have lost it too. I am going to follow your example and work on being more honest and fearless. You are an amazing woman Kirsty and a fabulous writer. Love you. Carolyn
Kirsty, you're spot on, and I'm proud of you. I liked your BSA post, as well.
At the end of the day, the only person who's respect you require is the woman looking at you in the mirror when you brush your teeth. If you can look her in the eye, you've done well that day.
To say that I tend not to have a lot of filters may be to flirt with understatement. Still, there are times when even I remain silent - usually because I've thought about it and decided that the timing of my comments would hurt more than help, but honestly sometimes because I'm busy, or lazy, or just too tired to pick up the sword and write something. I should, but I know that I don't always. I forgive myself my failings by counting only the times that I do speak up, and not the times that I could have but didn't. That way lies madness.
A final note - if there are never lines to see the doctor, there might be a reason for that.... ;-)
I do wish that I had the guts to say what I believe to the world without fear of what others think of me. It's easier to do on the internet- especially if it's in a crowd of strangers, but I don't walk that boldly in real life.
I'm a den leader in Cub Scouts, and a mom to two boys, and I hope the BSA will bring this to fruition.
I'm glad to see some Mormon Liberals out there. I've found several of my LDS friends who are Liberals, and one of them even was on the news in Arizona- speaking about how hard it was to be a liberal in the LDS church.
My resolution this year is to try and curb the judgemental voice, even when it is just in my head. I think often of Jesus's response to the woman taken in adultery. I would venture to say that He is more qualified to be a judge, but He never was. So why should I or anyone else take it upon themselves to assume that lofty role? Well said Kirsty. And you too Big Ugly Man Doll. And about the doctor, easily available, my thoughts exactly!
Kirsty, I've wanted to get your opinion on this very subject over the last couple of weeks as I have been going through something similar (and yeah, the wintry weather doesn't help, right?). I wrote a post about being a Mormon Democrat in the fall, and while I initially had a great response, its been a bit of a roller coaster since then. I feel so dismayed by hateful, loud, ugly language on Facebook. It doesn't help that I don't know any liberals to temper the rhetoric (and I don't notice the people who are being quiet, which is the majority, really). It makes me feel so alone. I have recently tried speaking up and it has led to some hard experiences. I kept thinking of you and wishing for a support group of like-minded individuals! I have started a second blog, not telling my friends about it for now, but here it is: http://demgoodmormongirl.wordpress.com/ . I'm sorry for what you are going through, thanks for sharing, you have a friend here.
I'm not a psychologist, just a psych major who has similar issues and let me just say this - TALK. Talk out your ass, talk about what you are eating, ect. GET IT OUT. The reason it felt good to express yourself is because it's healthy.
I actually have a problem of over sharing and I honestly believe it is a family trait but I can't sugar coat things. I say exactly what I am feeling with no filter. Society believes that mental illness, like homosexuality, should be kept in the closet or swept under the rug. It's ok to be crazy just don't act crazy or tell people you are crazy or flaunt your crazy and if your crazy gets out of control and you do something bad we'll throw you in the slammer instead of treating you because being crazy is wrong. Society is ridiculous. But I think you're doing all right. You have a blog and for the longest time when I was younger my therapist told me to journal. I did, just not as often as she would have liked I think.
I also craft. A LOT. It helps with the crazy. Keeps your hands busy and your thoughts trained on something besides what you need to deal with. Then when you're done hot gluing craft sticks together see if you're ready to confront your demons. If not, do some origami (actually don't. I went bananas and actually got more upset because I couldn't make the damn bird).
Anyways, I was just dropping since you were so kind as to comment on my blog on Monday when I was the SITS featured blogger. Also, I'm hosting a giveaway on my blog this Friday if you'd like to come back by and check it out that would be excellent!
Your fellow SITStah,
Sara Ivy
http://saraivy.org
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