I’ve written three different versions of this post since I landed in the US a little over a week ago but I’ve committed to posting something today.
I’m back and it’s both weird and surreally normal and not weird at all. In many ways everything feels EXACTLY THE SAME. Nothing has changed. Not even the weather (did you know that in Ohio the leaves are off the trees for literally half the year?! Hey Ohio, you really ought to look into fixing that.)
In some ways this sense that life stood still is welcomed (I was concerned about driving for the first time in 5 months and on the other side of the road for instance, but it was a non issue, our friends are still awesome and embracing and have taken up their supportive roles without missing a beat ) but on the other hand it’s tough to think, “wow, we made this huge leap of faith, turned our lives utterly upside down, spent a huge amount of money doing it, had so many amazing experiences, experienced some really hard things and yet I feel exactly the same? I am completely unchanged? I got nothing out of this? I have had zero growth?” Yeah, to be honest, that’s a huge downer. Especially since I was really counting on this change of environment to propel me into some serious growth. And it did of course. In many ways. But not the way I imagined or hoped and dreamed. And I’ve been sort of wondering what in the world that whole experience was all about. What I was supposed to gain from it apart from 20 or so lbs. To the naked eye all you see is we are back at square one, with a much emptier bank account and a few pretty souvenirs.
All week I’ve been in sort of daze. A mixture of denial and depression laced with great gratitude to keep me from spiraling completely. I am really grateful that we had this experience, and that we’ve had such a soft place to land at the end of it. I don’t have words enough to express my gratitude for those things and for all those people responsible for those things.
But then there’s the denial. My Dream, basically the thing I always felt deep in my soul that we were supposed to be working toward, is a bust. All indicators point to “that ‘aint gonna happen”. We picked pretty much the worst time in South African history for our particular family to attempt a comeback. It’s working great for some. But our particular package is not a great fit right now and may never be. That’s a hard reality to grasp and embrace. I’m getting there but I’m not really sure how to live without that hope, that tiny seed in my heart.
The depression. That one is easy for me. I’m wired for depression, it’s always just below the surface and I’m never sure how I will feel from one day to the next. Goshdammit. We all have something to deal with and that’s mine. And the weather and general drab and drear since I got back has been stoking it juuuuust fine. I left arguably the most spectacularly beautiful and aesthetically diverse and stimulating place on the planet to come to the aesthetic equivalent of plain, cold lumpy oatmeal. Look, I love oatmeal, but I love it when it’s hot and smooth, with brown sugar and maybe some fruit on top. And right now it’s cold and it’s lumpy and it’s just gross. And the worst part is that by now it’s actually SUPPOSED to be warmer and smoother and at the very least quite a bit prettier. But it’s not. It looks worse than when I left. So there’s that. Spring in Ohio. It will drive the most stable amongst us to drink, I tell ya. A couple of times this week, I took to my bed and thought, “seriously, life is lame. It’s so hard for so many amazingly awesome hardworking people who just deserve a damn break already. It’s just so INSANELY FREAKING UNRELENTINGLY HARD FOR SO MANY GOOD PEOPLE and that just sucks. And yeah, it’s truly not very hard for me at all right now, and still..what am I doing? Nothing. That’s what. I’m just a waste of space. I have had so many opportunities. And yet. Here I sit. Mired in the silliness of my tiny life. Unable to motivate. To do. I’m not growing, or learning or seeing. Mostly, I’m not helping. I’m not easing the pain or load for anyone. It’s a travesty. Such a waste. Pity I can’t make myself do anything about that. Pity…”
So that’s where I’ve been. Feeling a huge sense of: responsibility/guilt/worthlessness/unworthiness/helplessness/potential/paralysis. Blocked and stuck. Which led to huge heaping spoons of gravelly self loathing just sprinkled on top of all of that cold lumpy oatmeal.
Today I woke up and had a reprieve. The sun was shining and the birds were singing and the calendar said April 1st. And I knew it was time to go back to church. My very own personal soul church which is just a little patch of woods and meadow close to home. Where I run/shuffle and walk and get in touch with my divinity. Where I meet myself and my God and get messages about my purpose and my place. The last time I was there was November 1st, 2014. Just an hour before I was due to leave with my kids for the airport and hop a flight to South Africa. I was feeling a sense of thrill and disbelief that the day was finally upon us. And a sense of grief and loss for those we’d be leaving. I was crazy to go on that run but I couldn’t resist it. I was late and I needed to get home and shower and people were waiting and my bags weren’t totally packed and my house looked like the aftermath of a county fair…. so I cranked up my music and my pace and decided to take a short cut across the bridge.
I hit the bridge with a leaping confident stride, not even for a second imagining that there was black ice glazing it. I landed hard. It took my breath away. Pain shot through my body. After the initial moment of shock my instinct was to laugh. I couldn’t believe it. I had probably broken my wrist and done something really bad to my back and ankle, 45 minutes before I was supposed to leave with 3 children and 24 hours of international travel. Absolutely freaking typical. I took a picture of the bridge as I sat on my bruised bum. Here it is:
In time I figured out that my assessment had been typically overly dramatic, that I in fact, had broken nothing. I slathered Deep Blue over everything and was good as new, I made that flight and had an amazing 5 months. Painful incident aside, I’ve looked at that picture several times since, just to feel that sense of thrill again. That sense of being on the brink of fulfilling some lifelong unknown purpose. That feeling of being on the brink of accomplishing what I had set out to do. Of finally doing what I was supposed to do with my life. It’s a wonderful feeling and I’m blessed to have experienced it. And yes, the bridge incident is pretty much an analogy for what happened. We did take a leap into the unknown and end up feeling some major pain when things didn’t turn out how we thought they would, but it was worth it. Problem is, now I’m hooked. I’ve felt that Feeling but I haven’t resolved it. The journey is not over. It’s only just…omg somebody stop me before I break into the Carpenters. All this to say, I need to Do Something. I need to do more with my life than I’ve been doing.
Here are some of the things I learned and did in South Africa:
We have it ridiculously easy. Even those of us who struggle financially can’t fathom how much better off we are than so many others.
We have so many opportunities to help other people. And so much potential to do good, to make an amazing impact on people’s lives.
I have to make sense of the incredible opportunities I have been given. I have to make them count. I have to make the #SAyeradventure into something more than some beautiful pictures and great memories. We felt a clear call to go to South Africa. We knew it was the right thing to do. It was supposed to be life changing. I need to allow it to be. I can’t allow myself to go back to business as usual.
I love hearing stories about people’s lives. I’m generally an introvert but when I was in South Africa I forced myself to ask the people I interacted with about their lives. I wanted to hear as many stories as I could while I was there. I can’t think of a time when I wasn’t impressed, awed, humbled by the creativity, ingenuity and resilience I heard about.
So I have to wrap this up or I’ll never get it posted. Here’s what I’m thinking. I need your help m’peeps. I need ideas. Big ideas or even small ideas that we can build on. I’ve got to do some Wonderful Things. And I’ll probably need your help to do them. Here’s all I’ve got so far. It needs to involve helping people, hearing and maybe telling people’s stories of resilience, ingenuity and creativity. Opening doors for people to use that resilience, ingenuity and creativity to reach their potential and fulfill their dreams. It doesn’t have to be one huge grandiose project. It can be little daily changes that add up to a big thing or lots of little things or what have you. I’m not looking to be Oprah here, but I do want to use my life better.
Give me your best stuff. Or your somewhat mediocre, “here’s all I could come up with because it’s Wednesday and Spring just won’t friggin come” stuff. There are no dumb ideas. Actually who are we kidding, there clearly are some dumb ideas, but usually only when people are trying to be dumb. If you are genuine and well meaning I want to hear your ideas, I’m fairly certain they won’t be dumb. Because I’ve had kids forever now, and I can’t imagine functioning any other way, I will bribe you incentivize this thing. You’ve got ‘til tax day to give me your best stuff. That’s 15 days. I’ll pick my favourite (probably with the help of a massive committee) and I’ll reward you with something absolutely splendid and handmade from South Africa. I’m not sure what yet but I’ll make sure it’s awesome. A one of a kind piece of art from a one of a kind place.
So give me what you’ve got. Wherever you are in the world. I want All of the Ideas from All of the People. Not just one, you can throw 100’s of them at me. This is officially a brainstorming session declared open. Post what you have in the comments, or if you’re not into that, email me: kirsty.sayer@gmail.com. Message me on facebook or instagram or whatever. If you want to be involved, tell me. Even if you don’t quite know how or to what extent. This thing is wide open right now. The bridge is waiting.
I’m back, no fooling
WFMW: Not having to wait Three.More.Weeks (GIVEAWAY!!)
So my quest for Whiner of the Week/Month/Year continues. I have not forgotten my pledge to update on my mysterious weekend but I have been somewhat under the weather. Surprise!! I have now added to my list of maladies a bad cold. It's amazing how uncomplicated allergies feel compared to allergies PLUS cold. I find it makes sleep nigh unto impossible. Which makes my mood nigh unto foul.
But it's not all weeping and whining and gnashing of freshly drilled teeth. I am sitting here enjoying the feeling of the gentle little tummy kicks . It's been pretty quiet on that front since I first felt them, but for a couple of days now, I can feel those little pops quite regularly (and quite unmistakeably and most irritably, when I did the exercise below yesterday (they are called supermans) the baby did not find them super, man. D'oh. Who could have predicted that would not go well? See?.. Why would anyone living in someone else's abdomen have objections to this?
I'm in my 19th week of pregnancy now and we were scheduled to find out the gender earlier this week but I made a change in caregivers and so I will have to wait.....til....wait for it.....NOVEMBER 1st. Can you believe it? That's sooo far away! That's like forEVER. How did I manage to go the entire pregnancy without finding out the first time? I don't understand. It's not so much my desire to know as the desire of everyone else I know to know. People are quite irritated by the failure of my pregnancy to progress more quickly. I feel responsible for this. I do.
Anyway....
If I must guess what flavour is residing within...I lean strongly toward "boy baby". My mom and several friends lean strongly toward "girl baby". My husband says girl but I don't think he knows or cares one way or another. The kids have no strong impressions either way, I believe they hope for a girl, but are resigned to "a boy since your body is more used to making them". Can't argue with that logic.
The day that I discovered that I was to have a longer wait to find out then we'd anticipated, a company with super awesome timing contacted me to find out if I wanted to review their product. The company is called Intelligender . And they offer an early gender prediction test. It's described as,
So of course, I was all over that.
I haven't received the test yet but when I do, I'll be sure to tell you what it says. Meanwhile, they are offering my readers the chance to win some of their products. They are offering one lucky commenter this prize package:
It consists of
1 IntelliGender Gender Prediction Test ($34.95 value)
Read about their products on their fun blog here:
And check out their twitter account for special deals and giveaways.
*To qualify to win the Intelligender Gift Package, just leave a comment below. Give me your gender prediction if you dare (or care ;)
*For an additional entry follow Momedy and post in a separate post that you are a follower.
*I'll announce the winner next Wednesday but if you just can't wait until then, Intelligender is offering 25% off your entire order of IntelliCeuticals products on their website. Please enter code: IC025 at checkout.
Friday Follow
It’s Friday! Hooray!
Not sure why I’m so stoked about that when I consider the weekend that lies ahead (much in the way of sitting in the cold on the sidelines and rushing from recital to game, rinse and repeat.) But still…Friday. There’s something mystical about the thrill it holds.
Not least of which is Friday Follow. I’ve missed you so! Ditched it last week, back in full strength today. One lucky follower who comments below will be receiving a pretty little something (chosen especially for them) in the mail. Good mail? Irresistible.
So! On my mind today is clinging to the past at the expense of the present. I’ve been on a mission this week to dispense of all the under-used toys in the playroom. After lamenting pitifully to my husband and informing him that he had the most deprived wife in all the world (when it came to clothing storage space) he informed me that he would happily relocate his clothing to the playroom closet. Upon inspection, we realized that this closet has been woefully underutilized. Filled with crap toys that nobody knew existed. This closet, this large and spacious closet. This mirage in the barren wasteland of strewn toys and limited storage space.
After years of literally dreaming that I had discovered a new closet behind a secret door in my house, my dream had come true. And so began the somewhat traumatic experience of purging the toys which were good toys, toys in nice condition, toys that cost good money, toys that had memories attached to them, or toys that had hopes and dreams and ideals attached to them (like, you know...the children actually playing with them the way the kids in the commercials did.)
All toys that nobody was playing with anymore or hardly playing with.. It’s traumatic at times. I'm not going to lie But when I detach and think about it, I am absolutely stunned that I have allowed my sentimental hang-ups to steal space and peace from my current life. People. Let me reiterate. There is NO SPACE TO SPARE IN THIS HOME. It is small, it is cute and miniature. It was built in an era when people were smaller and had less stuff. (Sounds like a good era to me). It is inhabited by 6 people who have more stuff then they need.
Rather ridiculous isn't it, considering all the weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth over the fact that all my clothing and my husband’s clothing must fit into a Victorian sized closet along with a dresser?
All the shrieking guilt trips and rage over the state of the playroom. Which was Always. A. Mess.
All the hours spent cleaning the playroom and then begging/pleading/threatening about it staying that way.
Why? WHhhhhhhhy? It’s nuts. It’s crazy. It has to stop. Why do we spend the precious hours of our lives rearranging/freaking out over/dusting our mostly useless stuff? I know I am not alone in this. In fact my kids have far (FAAAAAAR) less stuff then most kids I know. We have less stuff then most families I know. And yet. So much more then we should.
I have to say, the tossing is liberating. I’m not going to say it’s not a bit panic inducing (I’m throwing away my children’s childhoods after all. Right? It does feel like that at times. But then I remind myself that I'm saving their childhood. I'm giving them space to play with the few toys they actually do play with, I'm saving them time cleaning up the playroom, I'm giving them a sane mother. Seems like a pretty awesome trade-off to me. No?
And I am not going to lie- I am going to be absolutely blissed out when I move my clothes over into my husband's newly vacated section. I can only imagine the wonders that will be revealed when I can spread my clothes more then 1/8th of an inch apart. I may discover a whole forgotten wardrobe.. I'm giddy over possibilities. Totally worth ditching the Diego train set that he played with so cutely for 15 minutes when he was three...(sniff)...maybe...
PS: If you need help gaining the courage to toss and simplify check out this chick. She is amazing and a little extreme and she makes sense.
UBP Package winner....
Is the very lovely Amanda/Amander? of Meandering Miscellany. Email me with your mailing address chica, and I will send that out your way! Yay! Thank you to everyone who participated-next giveaway: This Friday! Whohooo!!
Ultimate Blog Party 2010
Hello! Hello! Blogosphere, Hello! And may I be the first (or 400th) to wish you HAPPY SPRING!
Hi I’m Kirsty! And I’m a blogaholic.
If you have clicked here from the UBP, may I be the first to congratulate you on that excellent instinct, because this here is one heck of a happening party.
Actually in the interests of full disclosure: it’s just me here with my sugar free jello and my illegal whipped cream..see
(I am half heartedly doing the South Beach Diet in an attempt to lose the 10lbs I received for my birthday this year-lucky me! I’m so spoiled).
And if truth be told, I am not much in a partying mood having earlier this evening witnessed my sweet, adorable and pretty much perfect in practically every way recently rescued dog, have a seizure. Scary, scary stuff. She’s fine now, thank you for your concern. I have four lovely children too. My one and only daughter (aged 8) almost needed sedation after witnessing the ordeal. She and I tend to be laid-back that way.
So I was going to blow the whole thing off and settle for going to bed after a few more squirts of whipped cream, but upon visiting my post for last years UBP I realized that some of my favourite followers were procured thusly. In other words, I met some fantastic people through UBP 2009. Lovely bloggers who I have grown to consider real friends stumbled upon my blog and I upon theirs during last year’s soiree and it would be sad, nay tragic to miss out on such an opportunity again.
Soo…**snapping out of melancholy, breaking out a jar of almonds and some mozarella string cheese*****-now that’s what I call a party. whohooooooooo!!! Let’s go!
If you want to find out more about me. Check it out. That would be the All About Me tab (at the top of the page). It’s a tad outdated but you’ll get the gist. And it’s fascinating stuff. Hold onto your hat.
I have a compulsive need to give prizes…must.give.away. So in honour of this auspicious occasion I will give to one lucky commenter the following glorious prize package: 1 pair of lovely earrings, 1 lovely candle housed in picturesque pear shaped ceramic, 1 box of ferrero rocher chocolates and a little surprise all wrapped up pretty for you! Because you’re special. You’re good enough, you’re smart enough and darnit people like you. (Especially me!)
*Last Day* to enter Spicy Designs Follower Appreciation Giveaway!
I don’t feel as if I’ve given enough attention to the fabulous Spicy Designs Giveaway that I told you about last week, and so, in honour of Friday Follow, I’m opening it up for one last day!
If you entered last week, you may enter again beneath this post for extra awesome odds at winning. I will combine the two sets of comments and select a winner after midnight Friday 4/2. If you missed it last week here is the spicy scoop:
Spicy Designs specializes in hand-made personal accessories and home decor items made from funky and fresh designer fabrics. Each of their original products are specifically designed to add spice to your life, through color and flare. Spicy Designs uses designer fabrics from Amy Butler, Heather Bailey, Moda, Alexander Henry, etc. They encourage "customization" so that their clients feel happy and excited about the products they order. They are super fast in processing orders and offer quality products. Read about my experiences with them here and here. I could not be more effusive in my recommendation of them. Here’s my little Gracie with the scripture tote they whipped up for me practically overnight in time for her birthday. Isn’t it awesome?
To celebrate the launch of their brand new website , they are giving one of my fab followers their CHOICE of scripture/book/whatever tote. You can choose from the ever so chic PYPER style
or the whimsical ruffles of the LIBBY style
Don’t forget that this will be completely personalized to your specifications soooo:
IF YOU WANT A CHANCE TO WIN:
Click here to go and visit their site, come back and comment below, telling me which of their fabulous and fun fabrics you would choose for your unique and spicy bag.
For the PYPER style click on “Sassy”. For the LIBBY style, click on : “Playful”
Example: “ I would love the Pyper in Bascher Brown”
Remember you must be a follower of Momedy to qualify. For an EXTRA ENTRY become a follower of Spicy Designs and post a separate comment telling me that you are! Good luck!
Friday Follow is a blog-hop Hosted by Rita @ One 2 Try Tami @ Hearts Make Families and Lynn @ Midday Escapades . Join us every Friday as we celebrate followers! Link up your blog name and URL below to follow and be followed!
Follower Appreciation: Pretty Little Something Winner....
Jennifer aka Mommy 2 Monkeys you're the lucky follower this week! Email me with your address and I will hook you up! Thanks for following and thanks to everyone else who does too. I really appreciate it!
Awkward Family Photos
Do you know (and hence love) the blog Awkward Family Photos? They have made it into a book even. It's pretty fabulous. Happily, I think we have several shots that could make it big on that blog.
For instance...exhibit A: (Maybe click on it to make it bigger for the full effect.)
I found it on this blog from a couple of years ago actually: the original caption was:
"We left the one who smiles weird and does not match at home." ( Which was true. We did)
And here's a blast from my chubby past
I captioned this "You, Me and Dupree" after the movie that was out at the time this was taken.
Yes, that be Nathan. When he posted this on his fb page his brother's comment was "Typical". Indeed. Quite.
So hey you!! How are you doing? Did you know it's Friday Follower Appreciation day? I want to hear from you! Do you have any photos of the fandam you secretly believe could make it big on Awkward Family Photos? Do you want to share them? :)
I will randomly select a commenter on Sunday and if they are a follower, I will gift them with a pretty little something selected especially for them. Just my little token of thanks for reading my drivel.
ALSO:
Happy Friday Follow! FF is a blog hop hosted by Rita @ One 2 Try Tami @ Hearts Make Families and Lynn @ Midday Escapades. It's a great way to find fabulous new blogs. If you want to join in, just add your name to the McLinky below. FF is sponsored by:
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If you are new here, I do so hope you will stick around!
Friday Follower Appreciation: Winner
Thanks Krissy from The Artsy Mom for following! A pretty little something will be wending it's way from me to you soon.
Her favourite thing about Spring?
I love to be able to take my kids out to the park or just out with their friends when the weather gets better. I absolutely love spring because of the great weather that isn't too hot but isn't too cold either. :)
Ah yes Krissy...one day...one day....I believe it will come....(can you tell our perfect March turned to cold and rainy?)
Please email me with your mailing details so I can get it on its way! Next Follower Appreciation Giveaway will be next Friday, so stay tuned!
Friday Follower Giveaway Winner is.....
Randomly chosen: my good friend Jen Lynn, who I used to go to book group with before she moved away and broke my heart. So that is pretty appropriately cool. In fact, as Jen Lynn would say it is...."awesome". Jen never said anything at book club by the way. She just smiled and laughed. I was fairly certain she thought I was insane. A fair assumption on her part.
Gosh I miss her.
Congrats Jenn. Send me your mailing address already. (Now I can stalk you).
Next Follower Appreciation giveaway: Friday 3/5 whohooooo! Stay tuned.
Skin MD Winner and Friday Follow
Happy Friday good people! I hope you see some sunshine today. The winner of the Skin MD Natural giveaway is the soon to be un-man-handed Ashley of The Happy Little Home . Congratulations Ashley, email me so we can get this out to you! Btw, I used my lotion on my face last night. (Heaven forbid-the hand lotion for the face?!) and it was amazing. I have super sensitive troublesome skin, it's oily, it's dry, it's zitty, it's wrinkly, it's this, it's that. But this morning it was greatly improved in every regard. How is this possible? Anyway. Yay. (Promise I get no kickback from these guys :)
This is also my third week of joining the Friday Follow party!
Hosted by One 2 Try, Hearts Make Families and Midday Escapades
Hope you will join in the fun. Link up your blog name and URL using the MckLinky below. Only need to add on one blog to be seen on all the blog hops.
A pretty purple Welcome and thanks to all my new followers. I am so happy you are along for the ride. Next Friday will be my next FOLLOW APPRECIATION GIVEAWAY so stick around so that you can be rewarded handsomely. Or at least, nicely. Tokenly. If that was a word. Which possibly it is since it didn't go red just now.
So. What are your plans for this fine weekend?
Friday Follower Appreciation winner...
Today's fabulous follower and winner is Queen B whose blog is aptly named, Queen of My Kingdom. She joins us all the way from Hawaii and I am at this moment trying very hard not to feel bitter and as if she really doesn't deserve a prize at all.
Because the fact that she is walking along warm sandy beaches with beautiful blue skies overhead and probably drinking out of a coconut and eating seafood right this very minute while I huddle frozen in my tundra eating a bag of Swedish fish, should not be held against her. It's not her fault, after all. Right? And really, if she could I'm sure she would be absolutely thrilled to host me at her home for an indefinite length of time. I'm certain of it. Maybe next week even.
Thanks for following Queenie! Email me with your details and your treat will be wending it's way to you. (Perhaps with me along to make sure it gets there ok). PS: At Last is one of my all time favourite songs. :)
And thank you to all my followers. It thrills me that you are all well above average in looks and intelligence yet still deign to read me! I hope to reward you each in turn. Next Friday Follower Giveaway...NEXT WEEK! To celebrate the arrival of February. The blessed month of my birth.
Interested in some other great blogs? Check out this fun blog hop hosted by Midday Escapades and join in by posting your blog link in the Mcklinky below!
Follower Appreciation Giveaway Winner!!
We reached 300 followers today! (I can't tell who the 300th follower was. Post below if it was you so I can give you a proper shout out.)
And here's a shout out to each one of you who make up the three oh oh. Wow! Thank you so much! Here are some flowers for you all. It's the least I could do, because really...how nice are you all to read my drivel on at least a semi- regular basis? Really! SO.VERY.LOVELY! I am touched.
OK! So! PEOPLE! PLEASE! NOBODY DROP OUT NOW BECAUSE IT WOULD BE SO EMBARRASSING. (As Finny would say). If you simply must drop out, it would be awesome if you'd be cool and just wait til there are a couple more people so as not to make it painfully obvious and awkward for us all. Because there is nothing worse then awkwardness- wouldn't you agree? Ok so there are far worse things. But still. Awkwardness is...awkward.
Soooo without further ado...... randomly chosen by my daughter Caroline (who will be turning 8 on Friday) the number is...oddly enough...number FIVE.
Which means...
Congratulations to DAISYSWIMS07. You are very, very cute but sadly I cannot find any further information about you from your profile. Sooo....if you would like your $10 itunes gift card and a little treat to go along with it, please email me your mailing details. Thank you so very much for following, Daisy! And to the 299 of you who do too...kiss, kiss, kiss.
Stay tuned for the next Follower Appreciation Giveaway coming up soon!
